Tuesday, 30 December 2008

The Legitimate Christmas Movie

Alternative Title: Slack? Perhaps... On Holiday?.. Most definitely!

A very belated Yule to you all ...and a pre-emptive Happy New Year! I hope that 2009 brings you all the lovely cosmic chaos you could possibly wish for and we all come out the other end wiser and stronger for the experience.

I am on sabatical from the hell hole at the moment so the desire to do anything other than mong infront of the telly and consume enormous amounts of food and booze has withered and died as is the way with any good festive season... so I apologise for not having updated for an age, I know how you all clammer round your glowing screens waiting for the oracle to impart some fresh words of wisdom in to your otherwise directionless lives... but sadly my lovelies, the oracle is too smashed to co-operate...

So as a consolation prize you get to have me talk about something I like for a change... something I really really love...

The Christmas Movie!

*pauses for gasps of shock and awe*

"But No!" I hear you cry "How could one so cynical be such a big sucker for the schmoltz of the Christmas Movie?"... fear not my intrepid brethren... I am still the same cynical, jaded, slightly squiffy biatch you all know and love... for it is not the 'Traditional' Christmas Movie of which I speak...

Sure, I enjoy a good 'A Christmas Carol' or 'It's a Wonderful Life' as much as the next girl when I'm all caught up in the winter wonderland of festivities ... however the movies I am talking about have caused people who do not know me well to raise an eyebrow or indeed just plain laugh when I try to champion them as legitimate Christmas movies... this year it was brought home to me just how important it is to me that they are recongnised as legitimate Christmas movies and therefore to be watched with the family over Christmas lunch....

Christmas Eve generally sees the Curly One and I adopting our usual place upon the sofa to watch our traditional Christmas Eve Movie, Tim Burton's "The Nightmare Before Christmas"... this year however, this did not happen... the man was not up for it and frankly, if it wasn't to be a traditional watching then it just wasn't going to happen... apparently the traditions that we have developed over the last few years are important to me... who knew I was such a traditionalist?!?!...so slightly dis-spirited I searched for alternative viewing pleasures...

Then it hit me... what are the two best Christmas Movies ever made ever?

Die Hard and Lethal Weapon... of course... Christmas was now complete!

Ridiculous amounts of delicious food - check.
Eyesight slightly damaged by alcohol intake - check.
Presents played with and strewn about the floor - check.
Best Festive movies ever - check!

I ask you my friends, to aid me in championing these two Titans of the Christmas movie as they fight for legitimacy - bollocks to the Queen's speech - let's watch Bruce and Mel doing their thing over lunch with Granny - you know she'd secretly love it....

Yipee Kai Ey Mother Fucker!

And I am most definitely not too old for this shit!

Friday, 12 December 2008

Last Post Strikes Reaction

Alternative Title: There isn't one... so there!

Not feeling funny today but this is...and it is fitting with the last post... enjoy!

Pixie out

Saturday, 6 December 2008

What the Fuck is Wrong with People?

Alternative Title: Christmas Shopping is for Nut Jobs... FACT!

I braved the streets of Bath today in an attempt to get some Christmas shopping done... foolish I know, what with it being a Saturday and so close to Christmas and everything but I am so vastly disorganised and unprepared this year that I had no choice... I knew it would be hellish, I knew it would be full of slow moving old people, innappropriately placed tourists, stressed parents, irritating children and well... cunts...

It would seem that I was correct.

The Hellmouth had truly opened up and was spewing forth the nastiest of nasty Christmas demons for me to ward off with a neatly placed clothes line smack down or sly little side step... which of course I managed to carry off with grace and decorum as in everything I do...

Essentially I plugged myself in to my generic MP3 player and had Muse's back catalogue playing at deafening levels thereby deadening at least one of my senses making it easier for me to focus and not whig out when fuck tards think it is acceptable behaviour to stop right in front of me to take pictures of the fucking Abbey, halting pedestrian traffic and causing a bottle neck to occur... amazingly, I found this quite amusing. I was actually smiling to myself while everyone around me seemed to be getting more and more stressed and stroppy... I strolled through the streets, aware that I was not on any kind of time limit... I live here and had walked into town and therefore did not have to worry about my extortionately priced parking ticket running out...so I had enough time to wait for people to walk past with push chairs, to get out of the way when people were trying to get on a bus, to wait in a queue, to not throw myself infront of an oncoming car in a desperate rush to get to a shop on the other side of the road... in fact I was able to conduct myself like a reasonable human being... which leads me to the question.... WHY THE FUCK WAS NO ONE ELSE ABLE TO DO THE SAME?!?!?!

What is it about this time of year that turns usually unassuming, mild mannered, Renault driving, beige slack wearing, 2.4, middle class normals into frenzied, wild eyed, crazy haired, consumer junkies?... Why do we place so much value on consumerism at this time of year?... Don't worry, I'm not about to go on some "true meaning of Christmas" rant here... because frankly it's been done to death and also... I like presents...

I also like a good excuse to eat my body weight in food and consume more booze in the space of 2 days than would be socially acceptable for the rest of the year combined...

I just wonder why this time of the year sends people so fucking mental... I'm sure I could use my vast Psych training to surmise some crap about social group influence and crowd mentality and such... but still the whole thing is just mental... that's my professional opinion... it's just mental...it's Gorilla Grod's plan to turn the whole world into Apes mental, it's Aqua Man marrying a woman without gills mental, it's Uwe Boll being allowed to live, let alone make movies mental...that's how mental this time of year makes people and no amount of Psych training prepares you for it... not at all!

Nonetheless I managed to get some actual shopping done, braved the hoardes of demon possessed crazies and enter a couple of besieged shops armed only with my credit card and a swagger...this worked well ... for a while... then I decided to go in to a mainstream high street store... big mistake apparently!

Apparently tourists like to congregate in doorways in large impassable groups, women with push chairs like to run over my fucking feet with their spawn filled evil machines, men carrying perfume for their wives/mistresses like to barge past small, lone women, knocking them in to old people who move too slowly to get out of the fucking way and nasty little children like to wipe their grubby paws over the merchandise making it sticky to the touch...

I may have lost my cool a little bit at this point and made a swift(ish) exit... to smoke heavily and get disapproving looks from sour faced old women about the way I look or chose to live or some irrelevant shit, hey at least I didn't just run over your feet with my adorable little devil spawn buggy....I called Cathryn to come to the rescue...which she duly did... because she is a decent human being... and also we've been told we can't talk to each other at work any more (apparently we don't do enough work) and using MSN to talk to someone who is 2 feet away from you is getting tiresome... I needed some quality time with my girl... so she rode in on her white charger (or Fiesta) and took me for coffee, pizza and more cigarettes...which calmed me greatly.....

Of course because I bailed out so early, it does mean I have to go and do it all again next weekend.... bugger!

Oh and erm... Merry Fucking Christmas...or some junk...

Wednesday, 19 November 2008

Psycho-babbler Extrodinaire

Alternative Title: Amusing thought for the day

On the strength of the lovely Mr Ben's post about the Psychological cues behind eating jelly babies I thought that in my boundless wisdom I would share with you a very amusing and potentially life altering bit of psychobabble.

There is a fairly strong theory backed up by proper research no less, that states that the way people eat is in direct correlation with their sexual habits.... (I can't remember who this reasearch is by and frankly can't be bothered to trawl through my limitless number of Psych journals to find out - so if it's you then consider yourself duly mentioned and sorry I can't remember your name)

Essentially the idea behind this is that because both sex and food are fundamental instinctual necessities within life, the way we approach them is similar. On a social psych level, this is also extremely interesting.

People who, when really enjoying their food, are quite vocal about it, with lots of "mmmm's" and "ahhhhh's'" are almost certainly rather noisy in the bedroom as well.

People who shovel their food in are likely to be a bit quick off the mark, so to speak...

People who spend a long time smelling their food, taking time over every mouthful and savouring every flavour are likely to be big on the foreplay...

People who pick at their food and don't seem to enjoy it much are probably a little bit on the unadventerous, conservative side ...

There is no point to these claims of mine other than to make meal times in mixed company more interesting for you all!.... enjoy!!!

Oh and remember, on the basis of this research, chubby people = good lovers!

Monday, 10 November 2008


On a side note:

I know I've blogged already today but I needed to rant about this....

How can organisations that specifically say and have a long rambling policy about how they don't discriminate against people with disabilities, at the very bottom of their job descriptions state that the applicant must be a driver with their own car?!?!?!

Hmmm?... answer me that... how is that not discriminating against me and my brain buggering?!?!

I have epilepsy... I nicely tick their token cripple box and get their ratings up for their anti discriminatory policy and do not require them to drastically alter their working arrangements or state of their premises... I just can't drive a damn car.

Apparently my ability to work with terminally ill children or mentally unstable children is decided entirely upon whether or not I can drive a fucking car...

So to summarise....


Sunday, 9 November 2008

Ich Bin Ein Auslander

Alternative Title: I am so far removed from the social loop you are all just pixels on the virtual horizon

It was terribly liberal Matt's birthday this weekend and a suprise birthday bash had been expertly arranged by the lovely, if a little French Dom and the lovely, if a little Welsh Laura....it was to be a thing of wonder and a joy to behold.... The Curly one and I couldn't go... rubbish!

Apparently, it is expected in today's modern society for people to exchange this thing called 'money' for goods and services... unaware of this recent turn of events the man mountain and I have not been able to procure the correct amount of this 'money' stuff in order to make doing anything other than living in our house a possibility.... so we stayed in.

We also 4 1/2 manned Onyxia...which made staying in a little more pallitable... but not much (I was the 1/2 man btw... in case you were wondering... I'm not the correct level to be described as a whole man yet... plus I am short and have breasts...also not an asset deemed worthy of full man status)

We also watched a ridiculous animated movie based on the EA game 'Dead Space,' which was very good... and made staying in slightly more pallitable.... but not much....

In case you are unfamiliar with the concept, aliens inhabit the bodies of the dead, warp and mishape them in to hideous undead mutants for our viewing pleasure...these walking mantis men then go about killing regular living people in order to turn them in to more mutant mantis things in an increasingly gory and blood filled manner.... its very Event Horizon meets Aliens meets Resident Evil... but pretty good nonetheless... switch off your brain and enjoy the beautifully styled animation, the continual gurgling screaming and gratuitous blood splatter... admittedly I would still have rather been out getting pissed and eating tapas but this wasn't a bad substitute....

I miss my friends... I wonder what they look like... in my head they are pixelated and are warping into matis men... or possibly fish men... or possibly space lepers ... I really can't be sure which of my virtual past times will replace my friends completely... also I'm calling off Christmas!

Wednesday, 5 November 2008

God Bless America

Alternative Title: Politics I actually got Excited about!

Well then boys and girls, it would seem that, contrary to popular belief, Americans are wise and progressive... yey them

I really hope that the Obamarama can continue well into the next 4-8 years and that he is not assassinated / does something stupid / is not nearly as Godlike as we all want him to be.

I was really excited by this election. I understand that the election of the US President has global significance and I was really really worried that McCain would get in.... not because I had any particular beef with McCain as such... I'm sure he is a very nice chap... no my friends, I was concerned because if McCain was elected, there was a strong chance that he would die in office and that would mean that the Creationist, Moose hunting, pitbull with lipstick, hockey Mom, nut job Sarah 'I'm crazy like a wizard's pocket' Palin, would become President..... I think the Sweet Baby Jesus can rest easy now ... some one sensible was elected... so woopdie doo and yey!

See me now wooping and hooting down the street with gay abandon!!!

If only we could have some exciting politics in this country I might not feel the need to spoil my ballot.

Don't get me wrong... I fully intend to vote... people fought and died for my right to do so... and I shall take that right and treasure it for all it is worth... unfortunately British politicians have a less Deity like quality to them... we all know they are caught up in sleeze and controversy and their policies are either weak or disagreeable... I feel very disillusioned by the British Government and their opposition... they do not excite me... and they should... they should be fighting for my vote... fighting for your vote... fighting for the votes of our future children... but it just seems that they are embroiled in internal conflict and 'yes' men behaviour... the whole thing is very uninspiring.

So, by spoiling my ballot I am registering as a dissident. I am claiming my right to vote but by not voting for any candidate I am making it clear that I do not think any of them worthy to govern the country... couldn't we have a Priminister Obama instead?

Image from one of my favourite web comics: Just making sure I'm not infringing copyright or anything!

So, Cathryn and I, in our infinite wisdom, are celebrating this auspiscious day by eating cookies and blueberry muffins and listening only to music with an American theme - so songs with titles with the names of American cities or States in them - we have got a little bit stuck after nearly 8 hours... so are now moving on to songs by bands with American themed names... watch out Utah Saints, we're coming for you!!!!

Thursday, 30 October 2008

5 Weddings and a Funeral

Alternative Title: I am a Secondary Character in Other People's Teen Dramas

Hmmm... job hunting... well now... that seems to have taken a bit of a back seat over the last couple of weeks... that Warlock won't level itself and the expansion is coming out soon meaning I will have Death Knight buddies to play with...so my priorities are a little altered...also it seems to be stemming the flow of work related dementia...and in the current economic climate it seems that employment is becoming harder to find for those that really need it... so perhaps I should just shut the fuck up whinging and be grateful for what I've got... there are people in much worse situations than me.

If I'm really honest, while I do hate my job and it does make me quite horrifically depressed, I think that my sudden need to re-train/find alternative employment / commit Seppuku has stemmed (this time around at least) from the fact that for the last few months I have been a secondary character in other people's teen dramas - the comedy sidekick at best, girl number 4 at worst. Clearly I needed drama in my own life.

Don't get me wrong I am still actively seeking a way out of this hell hole in to something more suited to my talents... I'm just being slightly less disheartened when it is not forthecoming...

Of course if any of the 3 people that actually read this blog know of any jobs going then please feel free to pass it on... however since at least 2 of those people are highly qualified engineering types then I feel my transferrable skills may leave a bit of a short fall...especially since my awesome plan to save the world using an eleborate combination of helicopters and giant sponges was thoroughly trashed last night with the subtle use of science (damn you and your unGodly ways, Matt)... I feel a job in the field of engineering may not bear fruit!

Anyway... the title of this episode "5 Weddings and a Funeral" comes from my expereinces this year where I have... believe it or not... been to 5 weddings and a funeral... stick that up your foppish chuffer Hugh Grant!

The first was a handfasting ceremony, that I conducted, for 2 friends of mine... it was a small, intimate affair and really rather lovely... there was then a civil ceremony and lots of food and drinking... also lovely.

The second was my wedding... also a handfasting ceremony out in the woods... which was amazing, and while I didn't conduct the service itself, I was somewhat involved in the whole planning and instigating of said event...there was then lots of food and drinking... also lovely.

The third was my Auntie's wedding... which was heavy on the food and booze, however did involve spending time with some of the more unsavoury of my family members and all the emotional trauma that ensued... however the abundance of food and inordinant amount of alcohol did go someway to ease the pain!

The fourth was another ceremony run by me, not a handfasting this time but a much more secular, garden party sort of an affair... with food and drinking... also lovely.

The fifth and final one was last weekend. I was not involved in the planning, running, emotional turmoil or general organisation of any of it... my job was simply to eat food and get drunk and have my breasts toasted by the groom in his speech...all of which I carried off with my usual level of decorum and grace... it was brilliant!

This wedding was made all the better by a very good friend of mine getting thoroughly shit faced and spending a good half an hour preaching to a mutual friend of mine and the curly one about how I was - and I quote "a whole big world of sexy," which of course he got thoroughly embarrassed about and was only made worse when she went on to quiz him about whether, were I single, he might be interested in a torrid affair with me... he replied in a very sensible and sober manner that, my husband is a good friend of his, I am a good friend of his and he did not feel comfortable answering her probing questions... he then made his escape by promising to buy her more alcohol... which she duly drank and then proceeded to procure more booze from various other unsuspecting members of the party. I believe she was trying, in her misguided and alcohol fueled way to raise my self esteem by proving to me that other men still find me attractive, despite my marital condition; what she succeeded in doing was embarrassing some people and giving me a life time supply of ammunition with which to return the embarrassment, should I so choose! I love this girl...she makes me so proud... she is a brilliant mother, a very talented and witty young lady, works her fingers to the bone to provide for her family, is one of the best friends a girl could ask for and still finds the time to get so thoroughly bolloxed at these events that she falls over on the dance floor and leaves her shoes behind when she gets forced into a taxi home... she is who I want to be when I grow up!

Amidst these marital shenanigans I have also conducted a naming ceremony for a friend's daughter, set up my website advertising my services as a tarot reader and been a party to the hectic and at times horrific lives of my friends and family.

These people are giving birth, dying, having relatives pass away, getting divorced, filing for bankruptcy, leaving the country to escape their lives, splitting up with long term partners, falling out with other friends, being made homeless, being made redundant, coping with mental illness... and all are coming to me for support.

Now please don't misunderstand... if you are one of these people and you happen to have stumbled across this blog, I love that you come to me with your problems, as your friend or family member, it is an honour and a pleasure to be thought of so highly that you entrust me with your life crises (however since I am now blogging about them perhaps you should reconsider the trust you put in me!) The problem I think I am having is that for the first time in my life ever, I do not have a major life crisis occurring... I am pretty sorted really... ok I hate my job and money is rubbishy... but I am emotionally stable, I have a roof over my head, a secure job, a husband who feels about me the way I feel about him and as long as I don't think about the future or my dwindling prospects too much, things really aren't that bad.

This is an unusual state of affairs. Granted, I have always been the one people come to with their problems... I seem to attract the emotionally unstable, and if my friends are not telling me about their latest problem at great length and in greater detail, I ask about it... because I care... because I firmly believe that sharing a problem makes it easier to cope with... because I love my friends and I want to see them happy... and because I am a nosey cow who likes to know other people's business! The last few months have been unusual because almost everyone I know is going through some kind of emotional crisis but I am not... I am used to avoiding my problems by involving myself in the problems of others... only this time there have been lots of problems and none of them are mine...

The earth is in a state of flux, energies that used to come in slowly are now bombarding us at great speed and we are all struggling to cope with this shift (yes I know it sounds like hippie bollocks but it's true... FACT) So tragedy is occurring in the lives of those I love but not in mine... for a change.... The worrying thing of course is that when the earth settles again in a couple of years and everything goes back to normal, my friends and family will not have to suffer any more... and I will have to go back to being the emotional train wreck you all know and love... fucking brilliant.... I will look forward to that then!

Tuesday, 14 October 2008

I Was A Teenage Rock God (dess)

Alternative Title: Recapturing my mis-spent youth

So the job hunting is not going well.

Not well at all.

So far I have not managed to even get to the interview stage of a low level IT job that I'm not really sure I wanted anyway. I have had not heard anything back from a prestigeous publishing company about a staff writing job that I had no business applying for in the first place. The social care and psych jobs fall into categories of not enough pro rata hours to make up the necessary rent money or wanting me to have vastly more experience or qualifications than I have. The PhD route wants me to have been less of a nut job at Uni the first time round and have achieved a better first degree in order to take my 10 grand of course fees....

Yes, that's 10,000 whole English Pounds, not Rupees, not Quatloons but Pounds.... and that's before reasearch fees ... so yeah... my application to a local university is a bit pie in the sky...even if my research proposal would be the awesomest thing to hit the world of academia since some guy in Switzerland decided that he had a penchant for making giant, swirly, clanky, potentially world destroyingly awesome machines!

So early onset dementia seems imminent ...

I have developed a nice little nightly drinking habit (thanks for the advice, Ben). I have been smoking like a cancer riddled industrial chimney in a factory that makes overly aggressive, '80s hair metal style smoke machines (much to the vehement and self righteous bemoaning of my reformed smoker husband {bastard!}) I have been in a thoroughly foul and depressive mood for some time.... in fact I think I should apologise to Cathryn... who has to sit opposite me on a daily basis and look at my increasingly sour face... sorry honey!

I have been trying to make myself feel better (read: wallow in my misery) by listening to the music that made me "really get in touch with my feelings" as a teenager (I was a pretentious little fuck wit). Nevertheless I still fucking love this shit... only now, I enjoy it on a different level... Kim Thayil is not playing 'just for me,' Kurt Cobain does not 'really understand my feelings' and Skin doesn't even know who I am... however these people still rock my fucking world. My entire musical intake of late has consisted entirely of Soundgarden, Alice in Chains, Smashing Pumpkins, Nirvana, Drain and Skunk Anansie (in fact I am listening to Skin's dulcit tones as I write).

I do of course have a nostalgic love for these bands...but that does not in any way detract from their ultimate coolness. While Chris Cornell may have gone on to do some less than Rock worthy solo stuff, Skin may have dropped off my radar all together, the entirety of Alice in Chains may have lost themselves to fickle Gods of Skag (no Matt, not the virtual pixelated, Blizzard generated kind but the nasty intravenous stuff) Zach De La Roche may have disappeared up his own arse in a puff of pretentious hyperbole and Kurt Cobain...well the less said about that the better... some of those boys are still fighting the good fight.

Dave Grohl, Serj Tanken and Josh Homme make me proud to like their music... still... to this day... my Grungey Rock Chick core must be satiated and even Billy Corgan's movie anthems do it for me now.... God I miss the '90s!

The point to this (yes, there is one) is that in my crazed and desperate state I think I am reverting to teenagery... aw Hell, puberty was such a laugh riot the first time why not hop on the big red fun bus and take a return journey to down town insanity ville.?!?!

I am depressed, developing a drinking problem, smoking when it is frowned upon, listening to aggressive music, have absolutely no direction in life, no idea what I'm doing here and seemingly no capacity for rational thought.... yep, anytime now I'll start crying uncontrollably for no discernable reason and slamming doors...

Does anyone else feel like this or are you all perfectly settled, purpose driven grown ups with a proper handle on this horrific hell ride we call life?

So right now, I am listening to Skunk Anansie and blogging simultaneously about my shit life....I have not only reverted to being a teenager...it seems that as a 21st century teenager, I am no longer a Grunger... I have become an Emo...*gasp, shock, horror*... I am so unbearably ashamed... may be I should have just called this post "Euthenasia is a Viable Option."


Friday, 10 October 2008

Sweet Baby Jesus, Save Me From This Hell Hole

Alternative Title: I Need A New Job

I have been working in my current job for about 3 1/2 years... it's easy... I spend my days with greasy mechanics and panel beaters and being one of only two women in the entire company it's pretty much a nice little ego stroke every time I come to work... I am happy with the sexual innuendo, the occassional slap on the arse and the continuous stream of banter.... sometimes it's lots of fun.


Most of the time it is a giant, fly infested, sting your eyes from the smell, steaming pile of human excrement.

I get shit from the customers about issues that have absolutely nothing to do with me. I get shit from the management about issues that have absolutely nothing to do with me. Basically I just get shit all day... about things I have no control over.

I am the lowly office girl for fuck sake... I have no control over what goes on in the workshops - I never touch the bloody cars. If your estimate has a spelling mistake in it then fine, have a go at me, that would be my fault, I typed it... I should learn to spell... fine. If your engine falls out of your 40 year old car because you are too stupid to buy a proper car that isn't shit then don't bring your baggage to my door step... it's nothing to do with me... idiot!

If the managing director is not doing his job properly because he is an incompetent moron, it is not my responsibilty to 'manage' him. He is the MD ... I am the lowly office schmuck who is only doing this job because she needs to pay the rent. It is not my shit to deal with.


So in my infinite wisdom and in a vague attempt to ward of early onset senile dementia, I have decided to start looking for a proper job.

I am fairly well educated. I have a Psychology degree, I have various vocational qualifications in counselling and the like and I have spent years volunteering for a kids charity looking after their mental health, educational welfare and sexual wellbeing... yet apparently I am not qualified or experienced enough to do anything.... or at least anything that involves me using my brain in anyway at all.

I would love to write, I would love to get my PhD with research into the beneficial therapeutic effects of roleplaying and gaming based on Jung's work on the shadow self (so controversial yet so en vogue!). I would love to work with terminally ill kids and their familes (yes I know I'm the giving type) I would love to do anything that does not involve me having to scoop the gooey mess off the floor that has dribbled out of my ear from the years of doing shit jobs that turn my brain to mush just to make sure that I have a tiny flat to go back to at the end of each day and can be kept in cut price beans on toast.

This is not how I imagined my life would be after I graduated.

I had imagined a career, an important role in society, a home with more than 1 bedroom.

Now I know I should just suck it up and get on with it... lots of people have jobs they hate that they work at just to provide for their families and find joy in other aspects of their lives. However, these people are not me.

I have become so obsessed with my loathing for my current role that I am finding it increasingly difficult to concentrate on the things that bring me joy outside of my profession. This fucking hell hole is spoiling my love of super hero comics and gaming...it is infringing on my 'special time' with my man mountain...it is ruining my chances to watch good movies... it is a crime against nature... it is causing an imbalance in the force.... when a geek cannot get her geek on because every time she goes to her tailoring trainer she is thinking "I could be using this time to look for a good job" or when she cannot stay in "the mood" because she is thinking that she has to get at least 8 hours sleep in order to be able to cope with the day ahead... then clearly something must be done!

I'm proposing some kind of military coup to take down the company. If there is no company, there are no moronic customers, there are no incompotent managers, there is no hellish job. I can spend my time more productively. Looking for a proper job. Or reading more comics. Or getting my game on.

Yes, clearly this is the sensible way forward... I see it now....

Sunday, 5 October 2008

The Love of My Life

Alternative title: I love my husband but he does my fucking nut in

My Husband is a very talented artist... he is also a complete and total fuck tard!

He lacks the confidence and motivation to push himself out into the world. He cannot see that his work is brilliant.

Even after spending hours criticising (and not in the nice, productive way) the work of many fantasy and comic book artist, he still refuses to offer up any of his own work for criticism or for the making of cashy money.... why?... because he is an idiot.... whose sole purpose in life seems to be the perpetuation of my exasperation with him.

How in the hell am I supposed to live my life vicariously through my talented husband if he is unwilling to realise the potential of his talent?

This last week we have been fighting a little more than usual. Now don't get me wrong, we enjoy a good fight, in fact it is almost entirely impossible for us to be nice to each other in public. We are not 'public displays of affection' types - we say 'I love you' by insulting the other one's mother.

In private however this is a little different... except this week. I am stroppy and he is overly sensitive. Usually he is the stroppy, anger driven one... sometimes I wonder whether his skin has an odd shade of green about it...and his occassional warnings of "you won't like me when I'm angry" are quite startlingly accurate. So the fact that our roles seem to have reversed this week clearly shows that all is not right in the world.

So as intended I am using this forum as a source of free marital therapy... also as a base to share some of his art work with you...since he's too much of a big jesse to do it himself. I'm a fan of the proactive approach.

I would like to think that our marriage will last forever, that our dreams will become shared dreams that become realised, that our children will be perfectly behaved little angels who go on to be terribly successful in their chosen fields and that we will die together, safe in the knowledge that our lives have been lead in the pursuit of our goals and in love and in happiness.... and I hope for all of this because I am still a hopeless romantic, despite my cynicism, I still believe that your dreams are still worth striving for, that your talents are gifts that should not be wasted and that however hard life is, obstacles are there to be overcome and if everyone who sees your art work tells you that it is brilliant then that is probably because it is TRUE!!!!!... and that if your wife tells you to pull your fucking finger out and work out just how wonderful you are then you had better start believing her and doing as she says before she is forced to take drastic and violent measures!

Now rant over. Please enjoy some more of the artistic stylings of the one man I love without question, the giant curly ass hat, I like to call Bob.

Thursday, 2 October 2008

14 Women in Bikinis Drinking Champagne in a Hot tub

Alternative Title: What the Hell is wrong with Women?

I don't have a great number of female friends.

As a general rule I prefer the company of men.

I find them less loathesome and easier to get along with.

They don't take offence when I say 'Cunt.' They find it endearing.

They can have fine intellectual debates with me about such pivotal issues as whether Spiderman or Batman would win in a fight and whether Michael Bay should be forgiven for Armageddon based purely on the childish joy that was Transformers.

Women can't do that. (mostly)

So when I do have a female friend, they are very very special to me and I will do almost anything for them, I value their friendship that much.

However, this weekend I went above and beyond the call of duty (no not the game, damn it!)

I spent the entire weekend the wrong side of the Severn Bridge, in a cottage in the back end of nowhere, with 13 drunk, skimpily clad women in a hot tub on a hen weekend.

Honestly it was a wonder no one was murdered. Few of the girls even understood that their lives were in danger from any number of fictional psycho killers... bloody women.

Even I got sucked in eventually and ended up in my bikini in a hot tub... glass of champagne in hand and cigarette in mouth.

I spent the weekend feeling like Jud Nelson in a room full of Molly Ringwalds.

Only without the sexual tension.

Sometimes I wish I was a man.

Those girls were so hot.

And if I was a man, at no point would I be expected to talk for hours about what 'Brangelina' are up to with their army of children (clearly they are going to invade some small African province and live as war lords). I would not be expected to get excited about Jimmy Choo Shoes or even know who the fuck he is. I would not be expected to talk about how I did my hair like that or how I keep my nails and skin looking so healthy (I eat babies by the way... 2-3 weeks old... that's my beauty tip for you ladies). And whilst being excited about such things I would not be expected to communicate in a pitch designed only for titilating dolphins, making bats crash in to things and upsetting the local canine community.

No, if I was a man I would be expected to be grumpy. And drunk. And swear . And talk about how cool Bruce Willis is. And get just a little bit excited about so many pretty ladies in bikinis.

God I wish I was a man sometimes.

All that said though, I did actually have a good time and met some pretty amazing ladies, all of whom were willing to dress up like muppets and go out in public because we told them to!...Excellent behaviour ladies, well done!

An absence of colour does not an Emo make

After much musing (read: a brief conversation about the lovely Mr Ben's blog with our mutual friend, Terribly Efficient Matt {also a recent blogger}) I decided to jump on the blogging band wagon in a smokey cloud of self indulgent pretention and radom acts of geekery...

Ok... so this is my first post ... and I have a lot to say.

About nothing.

But you're damn well going to pay attention anyway because you are bored at work, or you are my friend and I cried at you to read my blog to give my life some sense of meaning in the modern age.

Mostly because you are bored at work.

I just wanted to justify my use of the style of page I chose...

It is black...and a little moody... and many of you out there in the ethernet may have come here thinking this was some kind of 'suicide girls' site or a vampire lovers site where I would go on about the pain of eternal living or have lots of pictures of me wearing not a great deal and looking like I am about to eat your soul....

Sorry to disappoint.

I chose black because I thought it looked quite stylish and I still can't get my head around anything more complicated than basic HTML to make my page look any different than the templates they gave me.

So there.

I am not an emo... I am just inept.

Sadly for you dear reader, this page is likely just to cover the neurotic ramblings of a woman in her late 20s who still hasn't acheived a damn thing in her life, save a worthless degree, an unhealthy penchant for all things geeky and unsuitable for nice girls to enjoy and a marriage to a wonderful and talented but mind bogglingly self effacing artist.

Basically it is just self indulgent anger management in an attempt to lessen the burden on my marriage.