Friday, 21 October 2011

Cyborg Sea Dog Tell Me What You Dream Of...

Not being a naturally organised or together person but wishing most of the time to at least pretend to be grown up enough to organise my life to some degree; I rather enjoy lists. Particularly aspirational ones.

It’s not necessarily that they provide a means by which to measure your perception of success with each successive strike off, more that they encourage thought about what is really important, about that which you care the very most.

On that note, some time last year I compiled such a list.

Which I have subsequently (and probably inevitably) misplaced, somewhere between moving house and just not being grown up enough not to have misplaced it.

I do however, remember one item from said list: “Write a piece of poetry that is not unutterably self indulgent, you self absorbed, pretentious, Kerouac wannabe.” Or something to that effect.

I think I have managed it… just.

I also had “Write some good poetry” on said list … I don’t think I’m quite there yet… however some of my fellow wanky poets do seem to rather enjoy my inane douche-baggery… It’s all terribly subjective I suppose… I guess if you look hard enough you can find a strange beauty in most anything.

I was largely inspired by the goings on of the last couple of weeks… nothing particularly earth shattering or life altering has occurred (save our visit to Mauschwitz – which was rather life altering for the teeny rodents involved – in so far as it was life ending. I might have cried. A little bit. Ok, a lot… like a child in fact… Mr Ben was terribly stoic about the whole thing though… how uncharacteristically manly of him?!?!)

The last couple of weeks have seen Captain Sideburns and I watching the entire back catalogue of The Mighty Boosh, which aside from making me a little bit fall in love with Noel Fielding again (this happens intermittently – we currently have a very strained fantasy relationship – it’s almost like he doesn’t care about me at all) has also seen us obsessively singing “Future Sailors” at each other and the subversive irreverence has apparently bored its way into my subconscious.

Our outing to a quaint little venue called the Cube, in which the bar staff seemed to have arbitrarily swapped the contents of their mixer bottles around in some kind of bizarre practical joke, meaning that I was forced to drink vodka & coke (which was masquerading as sparkling water) as there was no lemonade (there was – it was hiding in the tonic bottle as Mr Ben found out when he took his first sip of Gin & tonic), provided the perfect backdrop for the stupendously brilliant Enablers. The snake hipped, silver tongued, middle aged, balding front man of said band and more precisely his doomy, cynical, but ever so beautiful lyrics teamed up with my Boosh brain to make some kind of weird drug induced psychedelic poetry smack down … awesome! (Also I am now the proud owner of number 178 of 200 of his delightfully illustrated collection of lyrics/doomy beat poetry – thank you, electro funk goblin.)

In short – I done wrote a poem again… one that I quite like, actually.

I’m now considering writing another aspirational list.
Point 1 on said list should probably be “find old list.”

In other news, Mr Ben and I spent the prior weekend largely eating cheese and defacing children’s colouring books – with Crayola crayons, no less! It’s not what you think – so far there has yet to be the addition of any raging man cock to a single picture. Instead we have gone for something far more sinister and insidious… our efforts include chaos fawn, doomed sea voyage complete with emerging sea monster, Death Bus 2000: The Final Solution and alien abduction in a sleepy rural village… but no penises… we are however running short on ideas, so stylized tentacle porn may well turn up at some point.

This may be why adults aren’t generally allowed to play with children’s toys.

I have also discovered that the men in my life are rather enamoured with the ridiculous reality bitch fest that is America’s Next Top Model. Don’t get me wrong, I’m rather a fan myself (particularly of makeover week – I enjoy watching nasty girls cry) but I have got nothing on these two “heterosexual” males. Bets were placed this week on how many girls would cry while getting their hair all cut off/dyed/badly weaved etc. – I figured there were enough badasses in this cycle that only 2 of the remaining 11 would cry… I was spot on… but even this proud victory paled into insignificance next to the whooping, hollering and general chatter that emitted from the boys during our Tuesday night TV session…


Finally – Mr Ben is going to Germany for 3 months in April. I’m trying really hard to be ok with this… but I’m totally not. I may be a nightmarish basket case for a while as I work out how to combine being supportive and being sad.


News worthy Pixie out.

Thursday, 22 September 2011

It's that little souvenir of a rather good year actually

So, since Captain Sideburns has already posted about the house move and the holiday, there seems little point in me doing the same... except to say the following:

  • House - good - very good... kinda wish it was ours for keeps...

  • Window vinyl design and erection (*tee hee - erection*) - utterly frustrating but ultimately awesome and unique - so much so that our local Avon Lady came by just to tell us how awesome it was ... which was nice

  • Futon - lovely... but also the cause of our first "fight" (the word fight is in inverted commas because we're both far too polite to actually fight... though I always said our first one would be about soft furnishings... or carpet... god I hate carpet!)

  • Santorini - amazing... beach, cocktails, lovely hotel, fascinating trip up a mountain, battle with the gods - everything you want from a holiday really

  • My very favourite photo of the whole trip can be seen here I think it sums up the whole thing rather nicely, myself.

Since returning from galavanting around volcanic Greek islands and fixing up our house all nice, I've been really very tired and a bit out of sorts... especially this week... because I have been obsessing since about 3 o'clock Sunday morning about a ridiculous Excel quiz featuring lyrics from 90s songs. Essentially there are 200 lines from songs and you get 2 points for getting the artist or the title and 5 points if you get them both right. I'm on 650 points so far. Frankly, this is not good enough. I'm sure there is some fancy pants way of embedding the file into this blog so you can share in my insanity but buggered if I can figure out how to do it.

Ben has given me till the end of the week before he takes it away from me... I think he might be slightly worried about my mental health... I think I am too... it's keeping me awake at night... stoopid quiz...stoopid competitive streak...

On the plus side I am rediscovering music I'd completely forgotten about... and some I wish I could forget about...

damn your eyes Celine Dion - your insipid brand of pop warble has soiled my mind's ear for the last time...

Pixie Out

Saturday, 28 May 2011

Sort of Revolution

I hereby declare this to be the cutest thing ever... FACT...

(unless you don't like cats of course, in which case you're probably dead inside anyway and find no cuteness or wonder in the world at all)

So then - job seems to be going well - the boss has yet to make me cry (apparently he has a bit of a knack for making everyone cry at some point) most people seem to dislike him very much and he does seem like a bit of a hard ass but secretly I kinda like him, he's very dry and blunt and like I said, he hasn't made me cry yet... I'm sure my feelings about him will change as soon as crying has occurred.

Everyone else seems very lovely and I'm slowly learning to play the socio-political game that very clearly operates within the office - but still managing to keep on the fringes of it enough that I can observe it without being mired in it... which is nice.

Also, I can go to work, do a fairly good job (so far as I can tell) have like an actual lunch break, leave on time and not spend evenings and weekends working or stressing about work... it's like ... totally amazing n that!!!!

The lovely Mr Ben has moved in to the Tower while we look for alternative habitation closer to the drinking establishments we like to frequent (and still within walking distance of my place of work) which rather leaves us looking at the more upmarket expensive end of the Bristol housing market... middle class dream here I come!!!

I got to be all hippy again last weekend performing a naming ceremony in a circle of trees in the middle of a park... it went off without a hitch - everyone commented on how lovely the ceremony was and I got to feel incredibly wholesome... this was quickly tempered by midday drinking ... which turned in to night time drinking ... which turned in to the consumption of a kebab on a bench... oh dear...

Still it was super good to see a whole bunch of old friends and know that I am missed but that they are all doing really well and we're all turning into successful adults, reaching our aspirational goals and getting on with life and generally being delightful, stand up citizens who like a good time and nice pint ... but hey, we're the grown ups now and we get to decide what that means!!!

Also I've started writing again ... I'm going to try not to be such a pompous ass about the whole thing this time - but I think the hiatus may have done me some good - I read back over some of my old stuff today and some of it is actually really good... some of it not so much... but it's great to be able to appreciate my own work from a distance... hopefully I will be able to produce something that doesn't suck this time!!!

Now, go look at the kitty again and tell me it isn't the cutest thing you've ever seen in all your days?!?!?

Pixie out

Monday, 11 April 2011

I Can't Help That I Think You're Really Kickin'

I won't - I've got shit to do... but I could if you needed me...

And, Boys and Girls, the reason your Pixie has shit to do is because she seems to have landed herself gainful employment (and apparently the resultant requirement to speak about herself in the third person and start sentences with conjunctions - sorry... I'll stop it now)

I got a call from a recruitment agency who I hadn't actually registered with already - apparently there was one (who knew!) stating that they had seen my CV online and would I be interested in a secretarial / audio typist position.

"Why yes, I would be very interested" I replied

"Can you come in to register this afternoon?" They said

"Why yes, I could" I answered, compliantly

So I rock up, am generally awesome and charming and capable of spelling actual words and forming actual sentences and typing and using a word processor and not dribbling on my shoes and everything.

"Can you go for an interview tomorrow (Friday)?" Asks Rachel, who by this point has become my liaison in the whole affair

"Why yes, Rachel I can"

So I rock up to the interview with approximately 30 minutes preparation due to a variety of buggering about in hill forts, sheep bothering and hospital visitations by my increasingly bionic mother the day before... and am generally awesome and charming and make the panel laugh and exchange wry smiles and witticisms, all of which preceded a call a few hours later asking if I would be available to start on Monday....

"Why yes, Rachel I would be delighted"

So I'm now in my second week of being a secretary for a Chartered Accountant's firm, I have removed my lip piercing in order to conform to the required sartorial standards and seem to have utterly sold out to 'the Man'... but actually - I'm really rather chipper about the whole thing.

Of course there is a strong possibility that I'm chipper because the sun is out and beer gardens seem warm and welcoming instead of merely the haunts of social pariahs and our death sticks, and not because my inner rebel is finally satiated... but I really hope not... I'm almost getting used to the idea of being a grown up...




I said 'almost'

Infantile yet wonderfully employed Pixie out

Friday, 25 March 2011

Like They Do on the Discovery Channel

I am apparently completely unemployable, douchbaggery of the highest order is abound, self esteem is cripplingly low and I am generally in a bit of a dark funk ...

However, I did promise to steer this blogship far away from the sea of despair, the rock pool of despondancy, the ocean of self absorbed whining and the pier of poor metaphor and concentrate only on utterly unimportant and whimsical things...

While I appreciate that in the grand scheme of things we are all merely insignificant specs in the cosmos and that nothing I or anyone else does is really of any importance, I did not intend to use the statement in a metaphysical, existential fashion, merely as a pledge to quit the bitching and the moaning; because frankly, however bad my shit gets, it's never really *that* bad.

I intend to adhere to this commitment (I am nothing if not dedicated)... and thus I present -

"The Weird Sex Lives of the Animal Kingdom as Discovered by Le Frenchy and I Last Week"

  • Male dolphins have orgies called Wuzzles
  • Mallards gang rape female ducks so savagely that many of the female ducks drown in the process
  • Said female ducks have a multitude of false uterine openings that they can close at will in order to protect their eggs so that only the most tender of the vicious gang rapers can actually impregnate her
  • Some male spiders have no penises so they milk their sperm gland with their front legs until they have spider spunk on their filthy paws, creep up to a larger and significantly more badass lady spider and quite literally cunt punch her in order to impregnate her... he then runs the hell away to avoid getting eaten ... or paying child support, I was unclear about this point
  • Some snakes have 2 penises in order to employ a 2 pronged attack and increase their likelihood of being the baby daddy
  • All the coral in the Great Barrier Reef releases its spores at the same time - making it the largest sex act in the whole world
  • Certain types of humming birds have testicles that make up 25% of their body weight
  • Barnacles penises are 30% longer than their bodies
  • Homosexual sex between certain types of simeans is much more tender that the equivalent heterosexual sex
  • Salmon mate when they're really old and give birth when they're about to die - the female lays the eggs, the male fertilises them and then they both die... to be eaten by passing gribblies - when the baby salmon hatch they then feast on the waiting gribblies who are munching on their folks
  • Isabella Rosselini likes to dress up in a variety of crudely portrayed animal costumes and pretend to have sex. She then likes to film it and display her creations at exhibitions in the Natural History Museum

  • Isabella Rosselini is much cooler than I previously thought
  • Please note that the following point is not related to the sex lives of animals but the discovery did occur during the same time period:
  • Dr Sister makes a delicious pie but is also such a gracious host that she does not make you eat the pastry if you don't want to ... in fact she even goes so far to remove the pastry from the pie before serving your piece.... I wonder if she'd cut the crusts off my sandwiches too..
I hope this has been educational - go check out the exhibition if you're in London - it's awesome...

You might also run into a loveable stoner who will buy you a coffee, enquire about the state of your mental and emotional wellbeing and take you to see a blinged out Catholic church... just for funzies...

Of course that might just have been me....

I also baked a cake - like a boss... flour is now my bitch!

Teacher Pixie out

* Please note that the accuracy of this piece may be marred by the fact that I have been drunk a lot since the learning occurred... I'm pretty sure it's all true though... especially the bit about the pie...

Sunday, 6 March 2011

What's New Pussy Cat?

I love this...

One day I shall have my very own kitty and he shall be called Schrodinger...

... or possibly Heisenburg...

... I can't be certain...

*ba dum tiss*

See what I did there?... ah I crack myself up :)

In other news, after a serious tea related incident, my laptop might have been a little bit broken... luckily the wonderful Captain Smugpants fixed it with magic and anti tea spray... or something...

I was sent away with a warning to only drink diet fizzy pop and stop having sugar in my tea... apparently it's ok to have tea related incidents with your most precious electrical items, as long as there is no sugar in your beverage...pah!

Also secret plans are afoot to further the counselling prospects of myself and a couple of other like minded ladies ... if nothing else it might well abate the boredom related psychosis that is ebbing ever closer to my fragile psyche...

But it's so secret that it is currently guarded by ninjas and sharks and bears and cats with opposable thumbs... yeah!

Pixie out.

Thursday, 10 February 2011

Do My Little Kookie Dance

Hello kittens

I have realised that, the last post notwithstanding, my blog has become something akin to posting downward angled, pouty mobile phone photos of myself wearing far too much black eyeliner, surrounded by Twilight memorabilia on to
fan fic forums entitled 'I luv Edward Cullen more than u do... I can prove it cuz I cut myself and have tatz of his face on my skin to show him my luv'...

or somesuch...

In fact so insufferably self absorbed have I become in my rantings that even my 14 year old, desperately insecure, gawky, awkward self is cringing at the awfulness of it all...

So in my 30 year old, desperately insecure, gaw
ky and awkward fashion, I have decided to bloody well stop it!

Bring on the whimsy... awwwww FUCK yeah!!!!

Here goes....

Since we last touched base things have happened
... things that have made me pull this face...

Things that have made Ben pull this face...

It is important to note that these faces are not directly related to the same incident... though for comedy purposes, let's pretend they were :)

My birthday was smashing - although it does appear to now have been a very long time ago... so long in fact that in the ensuing 3 weeks - I seem to have become old... and thus, delightfully crotchety (it's delightful when you're old... just damned rude when you're young... I fucking love being old!)

The weekend saw the Lovely Mr Ben, The Boy and I hitting local popular watering hole, The Croft in order to conduct a social experiment where we attempted to fit in with the hipster kids ... and while the other two may just about be able to pull it off... largely because one of them has the face of a 12 year old and the other one is about 12 years old, I struggled a little to begin with... the first band was brilliant but their groupies, with their terribly fashionable, if a little stupid, hair and their incredibly tight, if a little sterilising, trousers did NOT look old enough to be in there... they should have been home, tucked up in bunk beds with Mr Men pyjamas and warm milk... not out drinking and partying and ceremoniously nodding their heads to the loud noises that their really rather talented musical deities were churning out... Or was it simply that I was now too old to be there... maybe I should have been home, tucked up in bed with a warm coco and an increasingly right wing periodical, bemoaning the youth of today...

This feeling persisted until I went outside for my first cigarette break of the evening, upon which I happened upon two trendy looking fellows in their late 20's who seemed to be loudly sharing my feelings... and as a consequence of the next few hours spent intermittently talking with them about kids and their silly hair cuts and generally acting like drunken (yet mature and sophisticated) bafoons, I felt much better about myself... ah collusion is a wonderful thing.

So... essentially I think what I'm trying to say is that I like being old... or at least older... and I think I'm looking forward to being even older...I don't like being grumpy... and I have lots of things to smile about... so I'm gonna...

Fuck you emo me... you've just been rabbit punched in the tit by all powerful Whimsical and Bawdy elderly me....Ha!!!

In the grand scheme of things, pretty good with my lot Pixie out

Tuesday, 11 January 2011

Are You Gonna Go My Way?

Over the New Year period there was some discussion of my slightly odd persuasion toward a certain Wookie...

In the few short days that have followed the New Year celebrations (which were fantastic btw, even if I did have to wear a flouncy frock and look like an actual girl whilst simultaneously being awed at my capacity for fruity cocktail consumption) mention of the object of my affection has been made on more than one occassion on my usual internet forays....

I think it must be a sign... clearly I have to travel to Kashyyyk to track down his family and find out what skanky bar he's hanging out in now... maybe I could get in good with his mother while I'm there and they will accept me as one of their own and I can live the rest of my life as a Wookie Princess, whittling the future or whatever it is they do....

In the meantime, I'm going to share with you my Wookie related findings... because they amuse me ....

Despite my protestations to the contrary, Ben still believes this graph to depict actual fact...

"I will unzip your skin and wear it like a little coat"... or I will roll around on it in my underwear... you know, depending on my mood

Also... let the Wookie win....

And finally, I cannot find a copyable picture of this so you will all have to go
check it out for yourselves... Chewbacca riding a squirrel and battling Nazis... I shit you not... it may be the most awesome thing I have ever seen... maybe.

Wookie Loving Pixie Out

P.S. Also, I want this... though it has nothing to do with Wookies... at all... this may also be the most awesome thing I have ever seen... maybe.

It's like having a deity sucking on your brain... so many kinds of win!