Friday, 25 March 2011

Like They Do on the Discovery Channel

I am apparently completely unemployable, douchbaggery of the highest order is abound, self esteem is cripplingly low and I am generally in a bit of a dark funk ...

However, I did promise to steer this blogship far away from the sea of despair, the rock pool of despondancy, the ocean of self absorbed whining and the pier of poor metaphor and concentrate only on utterly unimportant and whimsical things...

While I appreciate that in the grand scheme of things we are all merely insignificant specs in the cosmos and that nothing I or anyone else does is really of any importance, I did not intend to use the statement in a metaphysical, existential fashion, merely as a pledge to quit the bitching and the moaning; because frankly, however bad my shit gets, it's never really *that* bad.

I intend to adhere to this commitment (I am nothing if not dedicated)... and thus I present -

"The Weird Sex Lives of the Animal Kingdom as Discovered by Le Frenchy and I Last Week"

  • Male dolphins have orgies called Wuzzles
  • Mallards gang rape female ducks so savagely that many of the female ducks drown in the process
  • Said female ducks have a multitude of false uterine openings that they can close at will in order to protect their eggs so that only the most tender of the vicious gang rapers can actually impregnate her
  • Some male spiders have no penises so they milk their sperm gland with their front legs until they have spider spunk on their filthy paws, creep up to a larger and significantly more badass lady spider and quite literally cunt punch her in order to impregnate her... he then runs the hell away to avoid getting eaten ... or paying child support, I was unclear about this point
  • Some snakes have 2 penises in order to employ a 2 pronged attack and increase their likelihood of being the baby daddy
  • All the coral in the Great Barrier Reef releases its spores at the same time - making it the largest sex act in the whole world
  • Certain types of humming birds have testicles that make up 25% of their body weight
  • Barnacles penises are 30% longer than their bodies
  • Homosexual sex between certain types of simeans is much more tender that the equivalent heterosexual sex
  • Salmon mate when they're really old and give birth when they're about to die - the female lays the eggs, the male fertilises them and then they both die... to be eaten by passing gribblies - when the baby salmon hatch they then feast on the waiting gribblies who are munching on their folks
  • Isabella Rosselini likes to dress up in a variety of crudely portrayed animal costumes and pretend to have sex. She then likes to film it and display her creations at exhibitions in the Natural History Museum

  • Isabella Rosselini is much cooler than I previously thought
  • Please note that the following point is not related to the sex lives of animals but the discovery did occur during the same time period:
  • Dr Sister makes a delicious pie but is also such a gracious host that she does not make you eat the pastry if you don't want to ... in fact she even goes so far to remove the pastry from the pie before serving your piece.... I wonder if she'd cut the crusts off my sandwiches too..
I hope this has been educational - go check out the exhibition if you're in London - it's awesome...

You might also run into a loveable stoner who will buy you a coffee, enquire about the state of your mental and emotional wellbeing and take you to see a blinged out Catholic church... just for funzies...

Of course that might just have been me....

I also baked a cake - like a boss... flour is now my bitch!

Teacher Pixie out

* Please note that the accuracy of this piece may be marred by the fact that I have been drunk a lot since the learning occurred... I'm pretty sure it's all true though... especially the bit about the pie...

Sunday, 6 March 2011

What's New Pussy Cat?

I love this...

One day I shall have my very own kitty and he shall be called Schrodinger...

... or possibly Heisenburg...

... I can't be certain...

*ba dum tiss*

See what I did there?... ah I crack myself up :)

In other news, after a serious tea related incident, my laptop might have been a little bit broken... luckily the wonderful Captain Smugpants fixed it with magic and anti tea spray... or something...

I was sent away with a warning to only drink diet fizzy pop and stop having sugar in my tea... apparently it's ok to have tea related incidents with your most precious electrical items, as long as there is no sugar in your beverage...pah!

Also secret plans are afoot to further the counselling prospects of myself and a couple of other like minded ladies ... if nothing else it might well abate the boredom related psychosis that is ebbing ever closer to my fragile psyche...

But it's so secret that it is currently guarded by ninjas and sharks and bears and cats with opposable thumbs... yeah!

Pixie out.