I Was A Teenage Rock God (dess)

Alternative Title: Recapturing my mis-spent youth

So the job hunting is not going well.

Not well at all.

So far I have not managed to even get to the interview stage of a low level IT job that I'm not really sure I wanted anyway. I have had not heard anything back from a prestigeous publishing company about a staff writing job that I had no business applying for in the first place. The social care and psych jobs fall into categories of not enough pro rata hours to make up the necessary rent money or wanting me to have vastly more experience or qualifications than I have. The PhD route wants me to have been less of a nut job at Uni the first time round and have achieved a better first degree in order to take my 10 grand of course fees....

Yes, that's 10,000 whole English Pounds, not Rupees, not Quatloons but Pounds.... and that's before reasearch fees ... so yeah... my application to a local university is a bit pie in the sky...even if my research proposal would be the awesomest thing to hit the world of academia since some guy in Switzerland decided that he had a penchant for making giant, swirly, clanky, potentially world destroyingly awesome machines!

So early onset dementia seems imminent ...

I have developed a nice little nightly drinking habit (thanks for the advice, Ben). I have been smoking like a cancer riddled industrial chimney in a factory that makes overly aggressive, '80s hair metal style smoke machines (much to the vehement and self righteous bemoaning of my reformed smoker husband {bastard!}) I have been in a thoroughly foul and depressive mood for some time.... in fact I think I should apologise to Cathryn... who has to sit opposite me on a daily basis and look at my increasingly sour face... sorry honey!

I have been trying to make myself feel better (read: wallow in my misery) by listening to the music that made me "really get in touch with my feelings" as a teenager (I was a pretentious little fuck wit). Nevertheless I still fucking love this shit... only now, I enjoy it on a different level... Kim Thayil is not playing 'just for me,' Kurt Cobain does not 'really understand my feelings' and Skin doesn't even know who I am... however these people still rock my fucking world. My entire musical intake of late has consisted entirely of Soundgarden, Alice in Chains, Smashing Pumpkins, Nirvana, Drain and Skunk Anansie (in fact I am listening to Skin's dulcit tones as I write).

I do of course have a nostalgic love for these bands...but that does not in any way detract from their ultimate coolness. While Chris Cornell may have gone on to do some less than Rock worthy solo stuff, Skin may have dropped off my radar all together, the entirety of Alice in Chains may have lost themselves to fickle Gods of Skag (no Matt, not the virtual pixelated, Blizzard generated kind but the nasty intravenous stuff) Zach De La Roche may have disappeared up his own arse in a puff of pretentious hyperbole and Kurt Cobain...well the less said about that the better... some of those boys are still fighting the good fight.

Dave Grohl, Serj Tanken and Josh Homme make me proud to like their music... still... to this day... my Grungey Rock Chick core must be satiated and even Billy Corgan's movie anthems do it for me now.... God I miss the '90s!

The point to this (yes, there is one) is that in my crazed and desperate state I think I am reverting to teenagery... aw Hell, puberty was such a laugh riot the first time why not hop on the big red fun bus and take a return journey to down town insanity ville.?!?!

I am depressed, developing a drinking problem, smoking when it is frowned upon, listening to aggressive music, have absolutely no direction in life, no idea what I'm doing here and seemingly no capacity for rational thought.... yep, anytime now I'll start crying uncontrollably for no discernable reason and slamming doors...

Does anyone else feel like this or are you all perfectly settled, purpose driven grown ups with a proper handle on this horrific hell ride we call life?

So right now, I am listening to Skunk Anansie and blogging simultaneously about my shit life....I have not only reverted to being a teenager...it seems that as a 21st century teenager, I am no longer a Grunger... I have become an Emo...*gasp, shock, horror*... I am so unbearably ashamed... may be I should have just called this post "Euthenasia is a Viable Option."

*sigh*