14 Women in Bikinis Drinking Champagne in a Hot tub

Alternative Title: What the Hell is wrong with Women?

I don't have a great number of female friends.

As a general rule I prefer the company of men.

I find them less loathesome and easier to get along with.

They don't take offence when I say 'Cunt.' They find it endearing.

They can have fine intellectual debates with me about such pivotal issues as whether Spiderman or Batman would win in a fight and whether Michael Bay should be forgiven for Armageddon based purely on the childish joy that was Transformers.

Women can't do that. (mostly)

So when I do have a female friend, they are very very special to me and I will do almost anything for them, I value their friendship that much.

However, this weekend I went above and beyond the call of duty (no not the game, damn it!)

I spent the entire weekend the wrong side of the Severn Bridge, in a cottage in the back end of nowhere, with 13 drunk, skimpily clad women in a hot tub on a hen weekend.

Honestly it was a wonder no one was murdered. Few of the girls even understood that their lives were in danger from any number of fictional psycho killers... bloody women.

Even I got sucked in eventually and ended up in my bikini in a hot tub... glass of champagne in hand and cigarette in mouth.

I spent the weekend feeling like Jud Nelson in a room full of Molly Ringwalds.

Only without the sexual tension.

Sometimes I wish I was a man.

Those girls were so hot.

And if I was a man, at no point would I be expected to talk for hours about what 'Brangelina' are up to with their army of children (clearly they are going to invade some small African province and live as war lords). I would not be expected to get excited about Jimmy Choo Shoes or even know who the fuck he is. I would not be expected to talk about how I did my hair like that or how I keep my nails and skin looking so healthy (I eat babies by the way... 2-3 weeks old... that's my beauty tip for you ladies). And whilst being excited about such things I would not be expected to communicate in a pitch designed only for titilating dolphins, making bats crash in to things and upsetting the local canine community.

No, if I was a man I would be expected to be grumpy. And drunk. And swear . And talk about how cool Bruce Willis is. And get just a little bit excited about so many pretty ladies in bikinis.

God I wish I was a man sometimes.

All that said though, I did actually have a good time and met some pretty amazing ladies, all of whom were willing to dress up like muppets and go out in public because we told them to!...Excellent behaviour ladies, well done!