Alternative Title: If Carlsberg made Complaint letters...
This made me laugh so hard I nearly blew Ribena out of my nose ... the disparaging looks from the management that followed only served to make it funnier!
I'm sure most of you have already seen this because you read these high brow papers or because you are more 'down wit da kidz' than I... but none the less... I had to share this with you.
Enjoy
Pixie Out
xxx
Friday, 30 January 2009
Thursday, 29 January 2009
WOW and other useful acronyms
Alternative Title: The Culmination of the Spread of Evil Pink Filth
So the Warlock has finished her Global Tour spreading her evil pink filth as she goes, has run her Magnificent (and yes it is truly magnificent) flying carpet ragged ( oh the punnery!) and has earned herself the title 'The Explorer'... this made me happy but also means that I have had to turn my attentions once again to actual factual questing and game playing... which by the way, is apparently awesome!... I was a little sceptical having devoted so much time (read: about 2 hours) to exploring the entire globe that I would be able to get the same sense of achievement from regular game play... oh how very wrong I was...
In the space of a couple of hours I had an emotional rollercoaster ride comparable to nothing I have experienced in this game before - due to the wonderful quest layering system adopted in the latest expansion I was able to sit on a tower mounted cannon and shoot big skeletal dragons with bigger bombs at the start of a quest chain that culminated in me helping to create a whole new town on my map complete with mail box, friendly dragon flight path and sleeping bloke in an inn ... the town wasn't there before I did this quest chain... and now it is... genius!!!! This made me very happy... I felt like one of those people who goes to Africa and helps build towns and comes away with an amazing sense of achievement... only without the actually having helped anyone real part...
I then went on a round the world trip trying to save the life of a guy who was dying of Scourge plague and would, upon death, become a horrible mindless drooling drone (a bit like my boss...oh the punnery is relentless... I'm here all week, try the veal) only to discover that when I finally managed to get to the bit where I found someone who could actually save him (the weird alien angel thing) he still died... but his mortal soul was saved from becoming my boss.... this may be the most tragic and heart breaking quest chain I've ever done... I was exhausted by the end of my couple of hour session...
Of course the long emotional talk I had with my better half may also have had something to do with my exhaustion levels...but I'm still blaming it on the gaming.
Best bit of gaming I have done in some time... thank you Blizzard and your genius Devs.
NB: I lied about the other useful acronyms... there aren't any... feel free to make up your own though... I'd hate to stand in the way of creativity!
So the Warlock has finished her Global Tour spreading her evil pink filth as she goes, has run her Magnificent (and yes it is truly magnificent) flying carpet ragged ( oh the punnery!) and has earned herself the title 'The Explorer'... this made me happy but also means that I have had to turn my attentions once again to actual factual questing and game playing... which by the way, is apparently awesome!... I was a little sceptical having devoted so much time (read: about 2 hours) to exploring the entire globe that I would be able to get the same sense of achievement from regular game play... oh how very wrong I was...
In the space of a couple of hours I had an emotional rollercoaster ride comparable to nothing I have experienced in this game before - due to the wonderful quest layering system adopted in the latest expansion I was able to sit on a tower mounted cannon and shoot big skeletal dragons with bigger bombs at the start of a quest chain that culminated in me helping to create a whole new town on my map complete with mail box, friendly dragon flight path and sleeping bloke in an inn ... the town wasn't there before I did this quest chain... and now it is... genius!!!! This made me very happy... I felt like one of those people who goes to Africa and helps build towns and comes away with an amazing sense of achievement... only without the actually having helped anyone real part...
I then went on a round the world trip trying to save the life of a guy who was dying of Scourge plague and would, upon death, become a horrible mindless drooling drone (a bit like my boss...oh the punnery is relentless... I'm here all week, try the veal) only to discover that when I finally managed to get to the bit where I found someone who could actually save him (the weird alien angel thing) he still died... but his mortal soul was saved from becoming my boss.... this may be the most tragic and heart breaking quest chain I've ever done... I was exhausted by the end of my couple of hour session...
Of course the long emotional talk I had with my better half may also have had something to do with my exhaustion levels...but I'm still blaming it on the gaming.
Best bit of gaming I have done in some time... thank you Blizzard and your genius Devs.
NB: I lied about the other useful acronyms... there aren't any... feel free to make up your own though... I'd hate to stand in the way of creativity!
Monday, 26 January 2009
Shenanigans...oh yes, you heard me right!
Alternative title: Go Pixie it's your birthday...
So long weekend down in the depths of Devon with my bestest friend in the whole wide world was lovely... poker was played, brilliant new people were met, wine was consumed, plentiful nicotine was inhaled...2 year old god son was entertained whilst hungover (note to self: don't do that again)
Work was shit... but then I have come to expect that...my particular favourite work related episode this week was the arrival of a 'motivational' poster brought in by my middle management, pop psychology, never read an actual psych book in his life, dumbass boss... I can't find a picture of it on the intermanetz but I shall describe it for your delight and delectation... it is a picture of a ripple in some water with the 'motivational' text "Irresponsibility: No single rain drop believes it is to blame for the flood.".... see, told you he was a dumbass... he can't quite seem to grasp how this passive aggressive gesture is not likely to rouse the troops rather it simply serves to make us all a bit narky ... dumbass!
Then this weekend twas ma birfday...I did indeed get older but as anticipated getting older was jollied up by the attendance of some damn fine people, plenty of music and movie critiquing and some bloody good role playing.
Pub was visited, white russians were consumed by the trough, plentiful nicotine was inhaled and good times were had by all... and then Bob got drunk... and I had to deal with him...and then had to deal with him again in the morning (my actual birthday no less) by doing all the washing up from the night before so I could cook him greasy bacon and egg hangover sandwiches having had precisely no sleep, a text message from my evil Grandmother who I haven't given my phone number to in over 10 years (how she got it is a mystery) a long and sobbing phone call from my Dad, wishing me happy birthday and telling me that his girlfriend (the only thing stopping him from topping himself whilst going through his second messy divorce) has left him and then another text message from my gay ex boyfriend...all the while our favourite Ginger, Fuzz was witnessing this terrifying glimpse into my emotionally fraught life from the comfort of my living room floor as I collapse in a mess having spoken to all the people in my life who have the ability to cause me any amount of emotional trauma in the space of about an hour on my fucking birthday.... gaaaaaaaaaah!!!!
However... we then ended up in Brizzle playing a most excellent roleplay game designed by my very favourite Egyptian Muslim, Bas - who had taken the concept of an anal retentive attention to detail to new heights by drawing character pictures for us all and laminating hundreds of cards, each one different from the last (all designed by him) to replace any need for the rolling of dice... this was a combat intensive game and frankly we were all fucking brilliant!...we were heroes...apart from when one of us destroyed Paris, went evil and tried to kill another player character (note he destroyed Paris BEFORE he technically 'went evil') ...we fought dinosaur men.... I flew a fire breathing dragon... Steve Rogers was the president of the USA, Dracula was the premier of Russia and Joan of Arc was the premier of France.... absolute fucking genius! I loved every minute of it.... also the character pictures were beautiful - Bas, my love, if you ever find your way to reading this page, thank you so very much for such an awesome birthday present!
We then went to a party in the evening but I don't really remember much of it... I think I may have fallen asleep in the car on the way there and not really woken up again yet... very very tired.....
zzzzzzzzz
So long weekend down in the depths of Devon with my bestest friend in the whole wide world was lovely... poker was played, brilliant new people were met, wine was consumed, plentiful nicotine was inhaled...2 year old god son was entertained whilst hungover (note to self: don't do that again)
Work was shit... but then I have come to expect that...my particular favourite work related episode this week was the arrival of a 'motivational' poster brought in by my middle management, pop psychology, never read an actual psych book in his life, dumbass boss... I can't find a picture of it on the intermanetz but I shall describe it for your delight and delectation... it is a picture of a ripple in some water with the 'motivational' text "Irresponsibility: No single rain drop believes it is to blame for the flood.".... see, told you he was a dumbass... he can't quite seem to grasp how this passive aggressive gesture is not likely to rouse the troops rather it simply serves to make us all a bit narky ... dumbass!
Then this weekend twas ma birfday...I did indeed get older but as anticipated getting older was jollied up by the attendance of some damn fine people, plenty of music and movie critiquing and some bloody good role playing.
Pub was visited, white russians were consumed by the trough, plentiful nicotine was inhaled and good times were had by all... and then Bob got drunk... and I had to deal with him...and then had to deal with him again in the morning (my actual birthday no less) by doing all the washing up from the night before so I could cook him greasy bacon and egg hangover sandwiches having had precisely no sleep, a text message from my evil Grandmother who I haven't given my phone number to in over 10 years (how she got it is a mystery) a long and sobbing phone call from my Dad, wishing me happy birthday and telling me that his girlfriend (the only thing stopping him from topping himself whilst going through his second messy divorce) has left him and then another text message from my gay ex boyfriend...all the while our favourite Ginger, Fuzz was witnessing this terrifying glimpse into my emotionally fraught life from the comfort of my living room floor as I collapse in a mess having spoken to all the people in my life who have the ability to cause me any amount of emotional trauma in the space of about an hour on my fucking birthday.... gaaaaaaaaaah!!!!
However... we then ended up in Brizzle playing a most excellent roleplay game designed by my very favourite Egyptian Muslim, Bas - who had taken the concept of an anal retentive attention to detail to new heights by drawing character pictures for us all and laminating hundreds of cards, each one different from the last (all designed by him) to replace any need for the rolling of dice... this was a combat intensive game and frankly we were all fucking brilliant!...we were heroes...apart from when one of us destroyed Paris, went evil and tried to kill another player character (note he destroyed Paris BEFORE he technically 'went evil') ...we fought dinosaur men.... I flew a fire breathing dragon... Steve Rogers was the president of the USA, Dracula was the premier of Russia and Joan of Arc was the premier of France.... absolute fucking genius! I loved every minute of it.... also the character pictures were beautiful - Bas, my love, if you ever find your way to reading this page, thank you so very much for such an awesome birthday present!
We then went to a party in the evening but I don't really remember much of it... I think I may have fallen asleep in the car on the way there and not really woken up again yet... very very tired.....
zzzzzzzzz
Tuesday, 13 January 2009
Sending Out The Pixie Love
Alternative Title: A present for my friends
Yeah, yeah, so blog updates have not been that frequent and the warlock has ceased the levelling frenzy and slowed down to a respectable level 77 when she got her hands on a most excellent flying carpet which has been used to date to mark her global territory as she flies around spraying her cute but evil pink filth everywhere in an attempt to get the title 'Explorer' after her name... but there is a good reason for this...
I've been getting my tv on...
I have been watching the first season of True Blood which may be the best thing I have seen for some time... it's a bit like Buffy if it was made for grown ups and set in a back water hick riddled town in Louisiana with lots of swearing and nasty fucking! (and the occasional Creole accent)... so all the things I love then.. (including allowing me to reminisce about how much I love Gambit from the X men) let's be honest!
It also has the best opening credits of any show I have ever seen ever and possibly a theme tune to rival the much lamented Firefly (damn you Fox network)...don't get me wrong, it is not the sort of music that I normally enjoy, but they do have both types of music...that's right, both Country AND Western!
I have also been watching No Heroics ... a Bristish Sitcom (thanks for the find Fuzz) about rubbish Super heroes and how rubbish they are... it's very funny.
Amongst all this tv watching I have also found time to celebrate the Curly One's birthday in true drunken vomit filled fashion... thanks boys... good times had by all I think!
This weekend I am heading down to deepest darkest Devon to spend some much overdue time with my very bestest friend in the whole wide world and her family... lovely break in the middle of nowhere ahead me thinks... yey!
Following weekend is ma Birfday... where I will creep ever closer to 30, becoming slowly less attractive to the opposite sex, not realising any of my dreams and looking forward to a life of pushing out mistreated sprogs and forcing myself to become domesticated (hell I'm barely even house trained at the moment)... so that's nice!
My getting older will however be some what jollied up by the anticipated arrival of the Folkestone based possie who will help me drown my sorrows in a heady mix of alcohol and gaming... which I am really looking forward to!
Actually...come to think of it... couple of weeks of nice stuff occurring...may be I should just stop being so fucking miserable...or at the very least add another shot to my nightly vodka habit!
So - go check out these awesome tv shows, they are my gifts to you my lovelies...if you don't enjoy them, well that's just fine... you are entitled to your opinion and I will fight to the death for your right to hold it... even if you are wrong!
Pixie Out
Yeah, yeah, so blog updates have not been that frequent and the warlock has ceased the levelling frenzy and slowed down to a respectable level 77 when she got her hands on a most excellent flying carpet which has been used to date to mark her global territory as she flies around spraying her cute but evil pink filth everywhere in an attempt to get the title 'Explorer' after her name... but there is a good reason for this...
I've been getting my tv on...
I have been watching the first season of True Blood which may be the best thing I have seen for some time... it's a bit like Buffy if it was made for grown ups and set in a back water hick riddled town in Louisiana with lots of swearing and nasty fucking! (and the occasional Creole accent)... so all the things I love then.. (including allowing me to reminisce about how much I love Gambit from the X men) let's be honest!
It also has the best opening credits of any show I have ever seen ever and possibly a theme tune to rival the much lamented Firefly (damn you Fox network)...don't get me wrong, it is not the sort of music that I normally enjoy, but they do have both types of music...that's right, both Country AND Western!
I have also been watching No Heroics ... a Bristish Sitcom (thanks for the find Fuzz) about rubbish Super heroes and how rubbish they are... it's very funny.
Amongst all this tv watching I have also found time to celebrate the Curly One's birthday in true drunken vomit filled fashion... thanks boys... good times had by all I think!
This weekend I am heading down to deepest darkest Devon to spend some much overdue time with my very bestest friend in the whole wide world and her family... lovely break in the middle of nowhere ahead me thinks... yey!
Following weekend is ma Birfday... where I will creep ever closer to 30, becoming slowly less attractive to the opposite sex, not realising any of my dreams and looking forward to a life of pushing out mistreated sprogs and forcing myself to become domesticated (hell I'm barely even house trained at the moment)... so that's nice!
My getting older will however be some what jollied up by the anticipated arrival of the Folkestone based possie who will help me drown my sorrows in a heady mix of alcohol and gaming... which I am really looking forward to!
Actually...come to think of it... couple of weeks of nice stuff occurring...may be I should just stop being so fucking miserable...or at the very least add another shot to my nightly vodka habit!
So - go check out these awesome tv shows, they are my gifts to you my lovelies...if you don't enjoy them, well that's just fine... you are entitled to your opinion and I will fight to the death for your right to hold it... even if you are wrong!
Pixie Out
Tuesday, 30 December 2008
The Legitimate Christmas Movie
Alternative Title: Slack? Perhaps... On Holiday?.. Most definitely!
A very belated Yule to you all ...and a pre-emptive Happy New Year! I hope that 2009 brings you all the lovely cosmic chaos you could possibly wish for and we all come out the other end wiser and stronger for the experience.
I am on sabatical from the hell hole at the moment so the desire to do anything other than mong infront of the telly and consume enormous amounts of food and booze has withered and died as is the way with any good festive season... so I apologise for not having updated for an age, I know how you all clammer round your glowing screens waiting for the oracle to impart some fresh words of wisdom in to your otherwise directionless lives... but sadly my lovelies, the oracle is too smashed to co-operate...
So as a consolation prize you get to have me talk about something I like for a change... something I really really love...
The Christmas Movie!
*pauses for gasps of shock and awe*
"But No!" I hear you cry "How could one so cynical be such a big sucker for the schmoltz of the Christmas Movie?"... fear not my intrepid brethren... I am still the same cynical, jaded, slightly squiffy biatch you all know and love... for it is not the 'Traditional' Christmas Movie of which I speak...
Sure, I enjoy a good 'A Christmas Carol' or 'It's a Wonderful Life' as much as the next girl when I'm all caught up in the winter wonderland of festivities ... however the movies I am talking about have caused people who do not know me well to raise an eyebrow or indeed just plain laugh when I try to champion them as legitimate Christmas movies... this year it was brought home to me just how important it is to me that they are recongnised as legitimate Christmas movies and therefore to be watched with the family over Christmas lunch....
Christmas Eve generally sees the Curly One and I adopting our usual place upon the sofa to watch our traditional Christmas Eve Movie, Tim Burton's "The Nightmare Before C
hristmas"... this year however, this did not happen... the man was not up for it and frankly, if it wasn't to be a traditional watching then it just wasn't going to happen... apparently the traditions that we have developed over the last few years are important to me... who knew I was such a traditionalist?!?!...so slightly dis-spirited I searched for alternative viewing pleasures...
Then it hit me... what are the two best Christmas Movies ever made ever?
Die Hard and Lethal Weapon... of course... Christmas was now complete!
Ridiculous amounts of delicious food - check.
Eyesight slightly damaged by alcohol intake - check.
Presents played with and strewn about the floor - check.
Best Festive movies ever - check!
I ask you my friends, to aid me in championing these two Titans of the Christmas movie as the
y fight for legitimacy - bollocks to the Queen's speech - let's watc
h Bruce and Mel doing their thing over lunch with Granny - you know she'd secretly love it....
Yipee Kai Ey Mother Fucker!
And I am most definitely not too old for this shit!
A very belated Yule to you all ...and a pre-emptive Happy New Year! I hope that 2009 brings you all the lovely cosmic chaos you could possibly wish for and we all come out the other end wiser and stronger for the experience.
I am on sabatical from the hell hole at the moment so the desire to do anything other than mong infront of the telly and consume enormous amounts of food and booze has withered and died as is the way with any good festive season... so I apologise for not having updated for an age, I know how you all clammer round your glowing screens waiting for the oracle to impart some fresh words of wisdom in to your otherwise directionless lives... but sadly my lovelies, the oracle is too smashed to co-operate...
So as a consolation prize you get to have me talk about something I like for a change... something I really really love...
The Christmas Movie!
*pauses for gasps of shock and awe*
"But No!" I hear you cry "How could one so cynical be such a big sucker for the schmoltz of the Christmas Movie?"... fear not my intrepid brethren... I am still the same cynical, jaded, slightly squiffy biatch you all know and love... for it is not the 'Traditional' Christmas Movie of which I speak...
Sure, I enjoy a good 'A Christmas Carol' or 'It's a Wonderful Life' as much as the next girl when I'm all caught up in the winter wonderland of festivities ... however the movies I am talking about have caused people who do not know me well to raise an eyebrow or indeed just plain laugh when I try to champion them as legitimate Christmas movies... this year it was brought home to me just how important it is to me that they are recongnised as legitimate Christmas movies and therefore to be watched with the family over Christmas lunch....
Christmas Eve generally sees the Curly One and I adopting our usual place upon the sofa to watch our traditional Christmas Eve Movie, Tim Burton's "The Nightmare Before C
hristmas"... this year however, this did not happen... the man was not up for it and frankly, if it wasn't to be a traditional watching then it just wasn't going to happen... apparently the traditions that we have developed over the last few years are important to me... who knew I was such a traditionalist?!?!...so slightly dis-spirited I searched for alternative viewing pleasures...Then it hit me... what are the two best Christmas Movies ever made ever?
Die Hard and Lethal Weapon... of course... Christmas was now complete!
Ridiculous amounts of delicious food - check.
Eyesight slightly damaged by alcohol intake - check.
Presents played with and strewn about the floor - check.
Best Festive movies ever - check!
I ask you my friends, to aid me in championing these two Titans of the Christmas movie as the
y fight for legitimacy - bollocks to the Queen's speech - let's watc
h Bruce and Mel doing their thing over lunch with Granny - you know she'd secretly love it....Yipee Kai Ey Mother Fucker!
And I am most definitely not too old for this shit!
Friday, 12 December 2008
Last Post Strikes Reaction
Alternative Title: There isn't one... so there!
Not feeling funny today but this is...and it is fitting with the last post... enjoy!
Pixie out
Not feeling funny today but this is...and it is fitting with the last post... enjoy!
Pixie out
Saturday, 6 December 2008
What the Fuck is Wrong with People?
Alternative Title: Christmas Shopping is for Nut Jobs... FACT!
I braved the streets of Bath today in an attempt to get some Christmas shopping done... foolish I know, what with it being a Saturday and so close to Christmas and everything but I am so vastly disorganised and unprepared this year that I had no choice... I knew it would be hellish, I knew it would be full of slow moving old people, innappropriately placed tourists, stressed parents, irritating children and well... cunts...
It would seem that I was correct.
The Hellmouth had truly opened up and was spewing forth the nastiest of nasty Christmas demons for me to ward off with a neatly placed clothes line smack down or sly little side step... which of course I managed to carry off with grace and decorum as in everything I do...
Essentially I plugged myself in to my generic MP3 player and had Muse's back catalogue playing at deafening levels thereby deadening at least one of my senses making it easier for me to focus and not whig out when fuck tards think it is acceptable behaviour to stop right in front of me to take pictures of the fucking Abbey, halting pedestrian traffic and causing a bottle neck to occur... amazingly, I found this quite amusing. I was actually smiling to myself while everyone around me seemed to be getting more and more stressed and stroppy... I strolled through the streets, aware that I was not on any kind of time limit... I live here and had walked into town and therefore did not have to worry about my extortionately priced parking ticket running out...so I had enough time to wait for people to walk past with push chairs, to get out of the way when people were trying to get on a bus, to wait in a queue, to not throw myself infront of an oncoming car in a desperate rush to get to a shop on the other side of the road... in fact I was able to conduct myself like a reasonable human being... which leads me to the question.... WHY THE FUCK WAS NO ONE ELSE ABLE TO DO THE SAME?!?!?!
What is it about this time of year that turns usually unassuming, mild mannered, Renault driving, beige slack wearing, 2.4, middle class normals into frenzied, wild eyed, crazy haired, consumer junkies?... Why do we place so much value on consumerism at this time of year?... Don't worry, I'm not about to go on some "true meaning of Christmas" rant here... because frankly it's been done to death and also... I like presents...
I also like a good excuse to eat my body weight in food and consume more booze in the space of 2 days than would be socially acceptable for the rest of the year combined...
I just wonder why this time of the year sends people so fucking mental... I'm sure I could use my vast Psych training to surmise some crap about social group influence and crowd mentality and such... but still the whole thing is just mental... that's my professional opinion... it's just mental...it's Gorilla Grod's plan to turn the whole world into Apes mental, it's Aqua Man marrying a woman without gills mental, it's Uwe Boll being allowed to live, let alone make movies mental...that's how mental this time of year makes people and no amount of Psych training prepares you for it... not at all!
Nonetheless I managed to get some actual shopping done, braved the hoardes of demon possessed crazies and enter a couple of besieged shops armed only with my credit card and a swagger...this worked well ... for a while... then I decided to go in to a mainstream high street store... big mistake apparently!
Apparently tourists like to congregate in doorways in large impassable groups, women with push chairs like to run over my fucking feet with their spawn filled evil machines, men carrying perfume for their wives/mistresses like to barge past small, lone women, knocking them in to old people who move too slowly to get out of the fucking way and nasty little children like to wipe their grubby paws over the merchandise making it sticky to the touch...
I may have lost my cool a little bit at this point and made a swift(ish) exit... to smoke heavily and get disapproving looks from sour faced old women about the way I look or chose to live or some irrelevant shit, hey at least I didn't just run over your feet with my adorable little devil spawn buggy....I called Cathryn to come to the rescue...which she duly did... because she is a decent human being... and also we've been told we can't talk to each other at work any more (apparently we don't do enough work) and using MSN to talk to someone who is 2 feet away from you is getting tiresome... I needed some quality time with my girl... so she rode in on her white charger (or Fiesta) and took me for coffee, pizza and more cigarettes...which calmed me greatly.....
Of course because I bailed out so early, it does mean I have to go and do it all again next weekend.... bugger!
Oh and erm... Merry Fucking Christmas...or some junk...
I braved the streets of Bath today in an attempt to get some Christmas shopping done... foolish I know, what with it being a Saturday and so close to Christmas and everything but I am so vastly disorganised and unprepared this year that I had no choice... I knew it would be hellish, I knew it would be full of slow moving old people, innappropriately placed tourists, stressed parents, irritating children and well... cunts...
It would seem that I was correct.
The Hellmouth had truly opened up and was spewing forth the nastiest of nasty Christmas demons for me to ward off with a neatly placed clothes line smack down or sly little side step... which of course I managed to carry off with grace and decorum as in everything I do...
Essentially I plugged myself in to my generic MP3 player and had Muse's back catalogue playing at deafening levels thereby deadening at least one of my senses making it easier for me to focus and not whig out when fuck tards think it is acceptable behaviour to stop right in front of me to take pictures of the fucking Abbey, halting pedestrian traffic and causing a bottle neck to occur... amazingly, I found this quite amusing. I was actually smiling to myself while everyone around me seemed to be getting more and more stressed and stroppy... I strolled through the streets, aware that I was not on any kind of time limit... I live here and had walked into town and therefore did not have to worry about my extortionately priced parking ticket running out...so I had enough time to wait for people to walk past with push chairs, to get out of the way when people were trying to get on a bus, to wait in a queue, to not throw myself infront of an oncoming car in a desperate rush to get to a shop on the other side of the road... in fact I was able to conduct myself like a reasonable human being... which leads me to the question.... WHY THE FUCK WAS NO ONE ELSE ABLE TO DO THE SAME?!?!?!
What is it about this time of year that turns usually unassuming, mild mannered, Renault driving, beige slack wearing, 2.4, middle class normals into frenzied, wild eyed, crazy haired, consumer junkies?... Why do we place so much value on consumerism at this time of year?... Don't worry, I'm not about to go on some "true meaning of Christmas" rant here... because frankly it's been done to death and also... I like presents...
I also like a good excuse to eat my body weight in food and consume more booze in the space of 2 days than would be socially acceptable for the rest of the year combined...
I just wonder why this time of the year sends people so fucking mental... I'm sure I could use my vast Psych training to surmise some crap about social group influence and crowd mentality and such... but still the whole thing is just mental... that's my professional opinion... it's just mental...it's Gorilla Grod's plan to turn the whole world into Apes mental, it's Aqua Man marrying a woman without gills mental, it's Uwe Boll being allowed to live, let alone make movies mental...that's how mental this time of year makes people and no amount of Psych training prepares you for it... not at all!
Nonetheless I managed to get some actual shopping done, braved the hoardes of demon possessed crazies and enter a couple of besieged shops armed only with my credit card and a swagger...this worked well ... for a while... then I decided to go in to a mainstream high street store... big mistake apparently!
Apparently tourists like to congregate in doorways in large impassable groups, women with push chairs like to run over my fucking feet with their spawn filled evil machines, men carrying perfume for their wives/mistresses like to barge past small, lone women, knocking them in to old people who move too slowly to get out of the fucking way and nasty little children like to wipe their grubby paws over the merchandise making it sticky to the touch...
I may have lost my cool a little bit at this point and made a swift(ish) exit... to smoke heavily and get disapproving looks from sour faced old women about the way I look or chose to live or some irrelevant shit, hey at least I didn't just run over your feet with my adorable little devil spawn buggy....I called Cathryn to come to the rescue...which she duly did... because she is a decent human being... and also we've been told we can't talk to each other at work any more (apparently we don't do enough work) and using MSN to talk to someone who is 2 feet away from you is getting tiresome... I needed some quality time with my girl... so she rode in on her white charger (or Fiesta) and took me for coffee, pizza and more cigarettes...which calmed me greatly.....
Of course because I bailed out so early, it does mean I have to go and do it all again next weekend.... bugger!
Oh and erm... Merry Fucking Christmas...or some junk...
