The Legitimate Christmas Movie

Alternative Title: Slack? Perhaps... On Holiday?.. Most definitely!

A very belated Yule to you all ...and a pre-emptive Happy New Year! I hope that 2009 brings you all the lovely cosmic chaos you could possibly wish for and we all come out the other end wiser and stronger for the experience.

I am on sabatical from the hell hole at the moment so the desire to do anything other than mong infront of the telly and consume enormous amounts of food and booze has withered and died as is the way with any good festive season... so I apologise for not having updated for an age, I know how you all clammer round your glowing screens waiting for the oracle to impart some fresh words of wisdom in to your otherwise directionless lives... but sadly my lovelies, the oracle is too smashed to co-operate...

So as a consolation prize you get to have me talk about something I like for a change... something I really really love...

The Christmas Movie!

*pauses for gasps of shock and awe*

"But No!" I hear you cry "How could one so cynical be such a big sucker for the schmoltz of the Christmas Movie?"... fear not my intrepid brethren... I am still the same cynical, jaded, slightly squiffy biatch you all know and love... for it is not the 'Traditional' Christmas Movie of which I speak...

Sure, I enjoy a good 'A Christmas Carol' or 'It's a Wonderful Life' as much as the next girl when I'm all caught up in the winter wonderland of festivities ... however the movies I am talking about have caused people who do not know me well to raise an eyebrow or indeed just plain laugh when I try to champion them as legitimate Christmas movies... this year it was brought home to me just how important it is to me that they are recongnised as legitimate Christmas movies and therefore to be watched with the family over Christmas lunch....

Christmas Eve generally sees the Curly One and I adopting our usual place upon the sofa to watch our traditional Christmas Eve Movie, Tim Burton's "The Nightmare Before Christmas"... this year however, this did not happen... the man was not up for it and frankly, if it wasn't to be a traditional watching then it just wasn't going to happen... apparently the traditions that we have developed over the last few years are important to me... who knew I was such a traditionalist?!?!...so slightly dis-spirited I searched for alternative viewing pleasures...

Then it hit me... what are the two best Christmas Movies ever made ever?

Die Hard and Lethal Weapon... of course... Christmas was now complete!

Ridiculous amounts of delicious food - check.
Eyesight slightly damaged by alcohol intake - check.
Presents played with and strewn about the floor - check.
Best Festive movies ever - check!

I ask you my friends, to aid me in championing these two Titans of the Christmas movie as they fight for legitimacy - bollocks to the Queen's speech - let's watch Bruce and Mel doing their thing over lunch with Granny - you know she'd secretly love it....

Yipee Kai Ey Mother Fucker!

And I am most definitely not too old for this shit!

Last Post Strikes Reaction

Alternative Title: There isn't one... so there!

Not feeling funny today but this is...and it is fitting with the last post... enjoy!

Pixie out

What the Fuck is Wrong with People?

Alternative Title: Christmas Shopping is for Nut Jobs... FACT!

I braved the streets of Bath today in an attempt to get some Christmas shopping done... foolish I know, what with it being a Saturday and so close to Christmas and everything but I am so vastly disorganised and unprepared this year that I had no choice... I knew it would be hellish, I knew it would be full of slow moving old people, innappropriately placed tourists, stressed parents, irritating children and well... cunts...

It would seem that I was correct.

The Hellmouth had truly opened up and was spewing forth the nastiest of nasty Christmas demons for me to ward off with a neatly placed clothes line smack down or sly little side step... which of course I managed to carry off with grace and decorum as in everything I do...

Essentially I plugged myself in to my generic MP3 player and had Muse's back catalogue playing at deafening levels thereby deadening at least one of my senses making it easier for me to focus and not whig out when fuck tards think it is acceptable behaviour to stop right in front of me to take pictures of the fucking Abbey, halting pedestrian traffic and causing a bottle neck to occur... amazingly, I found this quite amusing. I was actually smiling to myself while everyone around me seemed to be getting more and more stressed and stroppy... I strolled through the streets, aware that I was not on any kind of time limit... I live here and had walked into town and therefore did not have to worry about my extortionately priced parking ticket running out...so I had enough time to wait for people to walk past with push chairs, to get out of the way when people were trying to get on a bus, to wait in a queue, to not throw myself infront of an oncoming car in a desperate rush to get to a shop on the other side of the road... in fact I was able to conduct myself like a reasonable human being... which leads me to the question.... WHY THE FUCK WAS NO ONE ELSE ABLE TO DO THE SAME?!?!?!

What is it about this time of year that turns usually unassuming, mild mannered, Renault driving, beige slack wearing, 2.4, middle class normals into frenzied, wild eyed, crazy haired, consumer junkies?... Why do we place so much value on consumerism at this time of year?... Don't worry, I'm not about to go on some "true meaning of Christmas" rant here... because frankly it's been done to death and also... I like presents...

I also like a good excuse to eat my body weight in food and consume more booze in the space of 2 days than would be socially acceptable for the rest of the year combined...

I just wonder why this time of the year sends people so fucking mental... I'm sure I could use my vast Psych training to surmise some crap about social group influence and crowd mentality and such... but still the whole thing is just mental... that's my professional opinion... it's just mental...it's Gorilla Grod's plan to turn the whole world into Apes mental, it's Aqua Man marrying a woman without gills mental, it's Uwe Boll being allowed to live, let alone make movies mental...that's how mental this time of year makes people and no amount of Psych training prepares you for it... not at all!

Nonetheless I managed to get some actual shopping done, braved the hoardes of demon possessed crazies and enter a couple of besieged shops armed only with my credit card and a swagger...this worked well ... for a while... then I decided to go in to a mainstream high street store... big mistake apparently!

Apparently tourists like to congregate in doorways in large impassable groups, women with push chairs like to run over my fucking feet with their spawn filled evil machines, men carrying perfume for their wives/mistresses like to barge past small, lone women, knocking them in to old people who move too slowly to get out of the fucking way and nasty little children like to wipe their grubby paws over the merchandise making it sticky to the touch...

I may have lost my cool a little bit at this point and made a swift(ish) exit... to smoke heavily and get disapproving looks from sour faced old women about the way I look or chose to live or some irrelevant shit, hey at least I didn't just run over your feet with my adorable little devil spawn buggy....I called Cathryn to come to the rescue...which she duly did... because she is a decent human being... and also we've been told we can't talk to each other at work any more (apparently we don't do enough work) and using MSN to talk to someone who is 2 feet away from you is getting tiresome... I needed some quality time with my girl... so she rode in on her white charger (or Fiesta) and took me for coffee, pizza and more cigarettes...which calmed me greatly.....

Of course because I bailed out so early, it does mean I have to go and do it all again next weekend.... bugger!

Oh and erm... Merry Fucking Christmas...or some junk...

Psycho-babbler Extrodinaire

Alternative Title: Amusing thought for the day

On the strength of the lovely Mr Ben's post about the Psychological cues behind eating jelly babies I thought that in my boundless wisdom I would share with you a very amusing and potentially life altering bit of psychobabble.

There is a fairly strong theory backed up by proper research no less, that states that the way people eat is in direct correlation with their sexual habits.... (I can't remember who this reasearch is by and frankly can't be bothered to trawl through my limitless number of Psych journals to find out - so if it's you then consider yourself duly mentioned and sorry I can't remember your name)

Essentially the idea behind this is that because both sex and food are fundamental instinctual necessities within life, the way we approach them is similar. On a social psych level, this is also extremely interesting.

People who, when really enjoying their food, are quite vocal about it, with lots of "mmmm's" and "ahhhhh's'" are almost certainly rather noisy in the bedroom as well.

People who shovel their food in are likely to be a bit quick off the mark, so to speak...

People who spend a long time smelling their food, taking time over every mouthful and savouring every flavour are likely to be big on the foreplay...

People who pick at their food and don't seem to enjoy it much are probably a little bit on the unadventerous, conservative side ...

There is no point to these claims of mine other than to make meal times in mixed company more interesting for you all!.... enjoy!!!

Oh and remember, on the basis of this research, chubby people = good lovers!

GAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!

On a side note:

I know I've blogged already today but I needed to rant about this....

How can organisations that specifically say and have a long rambling policy about how they don't discriminate against people with disabilities, at the very bottom of their job descriptions state that the applicant must be a driver with their own car?!?!?!

Hmmm?... answer me that... how is that not discriminating against me and my brain buggering?!?!

I have epilepsy... I nicely tick their token cripple box and get their ratings up for their anti discriminatory policy and do not require them to drastically alter their working arrangements or state of their premises... I just can't drive a damn car.

Apparently my ability to work with terminally ill children or mentally unstable children is decided entirely upon whether or not I can drive a fucking car...

So to summarise....

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ich Bin Ein Auslander

Alternative Title: I am so far removed from the social loop you are all just pixels on the virtual horizon

It was terribly liberal Matt's birthday this weekend and a suprise birthday bash had been expertly arranged by the lovely, if a little French Dom and the lovely, if a little Welsh Laura....it was to be a thing of wonder and a joy to behold.... The Curly one and I couldn't go... rubbish!

Apparently, it is expected in today's modern society for people to exchange this thing called 'money' for goods and services... unaware of this recent turn of events the man mountain and I have not been able to procure the correct amount of this 'money' stuff in order to make doing anything other than living in our house a possibility.... so we stayed in.

We also 4 1/2 manned Onyxia...which made staying in a little more pallitable... but not much (I was the 1/2 man btw... in case you were wondering... I'm not the correct level to be described as a whole man yet... plus I am short and have breasts...also not an asset deemed worthy of full man status)

We also watched a ridiculous animated movie based on the EA game 'Dead Space,' which was very good... and made staying in slightly more pallitable.... but not much....

In case you are unfamiliar with the concept, aliens inhabit the bodies of the dead, warp and mishape them in to hideous undead mutants for our viewing pleasure...these walking mantis men then go about killing regular living people in order to turn them in to more mutant mantis things in an increasingly gory and blood filled manner.... its very Event Horizon meets Aliens meets Resident Evil... but pretty good nonetheless... switch off your brain and enjoy the beautifully styled animation, the continual gurgling screaming and gratuitous blood splatter... admittedly I would still have rather been out getting pissed and eating tapas but this wasn't a bad substitute....

I miss my friends... I wonder what they look like... in my head they are pixelated and are warping into matis men... or possibly fish men... or possibly space lepers ... I really can't be sure which of my virtual past times will replace my friends completely... also I'm calling off Christmas!

God Bless America

Alternative Title: Politics I actually got Excited about!

Well then boys and girls, it would seem that, contrary to popular belief, Americans are wise and progressive... yey them

I really hope that the Obamarama can continue well into the next 4-8 years and that he is not assassinated / does something stupid / is not nearly as Godlike as we all want him to be.

I was really excited by this election. I understand that the election of the US President has global significance and I was really really worried that McCain would get in.... not because I had any particular beef with McCain as such... I'm sure he is a very nice chap... no my friends, I was concerned because if McCain was elected, there was a strong chance that he would die in office and that would mean that the Creationist, Moose hunting, pitbull with lipstick, hockey Mom, nut job Sarah 'I'm crazy like a wizard's pocket' Palin, would become President..... I think the Sweet Baby Jesus can rest easy now ... some one sensible was elected... so woopdie doo and yey!

See me now wooping and hooting down the street with gay abandon!!!

If only we could have some exciting politics in this country I might not feel the need to spoil my ballot.

Don't get me wrong... I fully intend to vote... people fought and died for my right to do so... and I shall take that right and treasure it for all it is worth... unfortunately British politicians have a less Deity like quality to them... we all know they are caught up in sleeze and controversy and their policies are either weak or disagreeable... I feel very disillusioned by the British Government and their opposition... they do not excite me... and they should... they should be fighting for my vote... fighting for your vote... fighting for the votes of our future children... but it just seems that they are embroiled in internal conflict and 'yes' men behaviour... the whole thing is very uninspiring.

So, by spoiling my ballot I am registering as a dissident. I am claiming my right to vote but by not voting for any candidate I am making it clear that I do not think any of them worthy to govern the country... couldn't we have a Priminister Obama instead?



Image from one of my favourite web comics: Just making sure I'm not infringing copyright or anything!

So, Cathryn and I, in our infinite wisdom, are celebrating this auspiscious day by eating cookies and blueberry muffins and listening only to music with an American theme - so songs with titles with the names of American cities or States in them - we have got a little bit stuck after nearly 8 hours... so are now moving on to songs by bands with American themed names... watch out Utah Saints, we're coming for you!!!!