Like They Do on the Discovery Channel

I am apparently completely unemployable, douchbaggery of the highest order is abound, self esteem is cripplingly low and I am generally in a bit of a dark funk ...



However, I did promise to steer this blogship far away from the sea of despair, the rock pool of despondancy, the ocean of self absorbed whining and the pier of poor metaphor and concentrate only on utterly unimportant and whimsical things...

While I appreciate that in the grand scheme of things we are all merely insignificant specs in the cosmos and that nothing I or anyone else does is really of any importance, I did not intend to use the statement in a metaphysical, existential fashion, merely as a pledge to quit the bitching and the moaning; because frankly, however bad my shit gets, it's never really *that* bad.

I intend to adhere to this commitment (I am nothing if not dedicated)... and thus I present -


"The Weird Sex Lives of the Animal Kingdom as Discovered by Le Frenchy and I Last Week"

• Male dolphins have orgies called Wuzzles
• Mallards gang rape female ducks so savagely that many of the female ducks drown in the process
• Said female ducks have a multitude of false uterine openings that they can close at will in order to protect their eggs so that only the most tender of the vicious gang rapers can actually impregnate her
• Some male spiders have no penises so they milk their sperm gland with their front legs until they have spider spunk on their filthy paws, creep up to a larger and significantly more badass lady spider and quite literally cunt punch her in order to impregnate her... he then runs the hell away to avoid getting eaten ... or paying child support, I was unclear about this point
• Some snakes have 2 penises in order to employ a 2 pronged attack and increase their likelihood of being the baby daddy
• All the coral in the Great Barrier Reef releases its spores at the same time - making it the largest sex act in the whole world
• Certain types of humming birds have testicles that make up 25% of their body weight
• Barnacles penises are 30% longer than their bodies
• Homosexual sex between certain types of simeans is much more tender that the equivalent heterosexual sex
• Salmon mate when they're really old and give birth when they're about to die - the female lays the eggs, the male fertilises them and then they both die... to be eaten by passing gribblies - when the baby salmon hatch they then feast on the waiting gribblies who are munching on their folks
• Isabella Rosselini likes to dress up in a variety of crudely portrayed animal costumes and pretend to have sex. She then likes to film it and display her creations at exhibitions in the Natural History Museum

• Isabella Rosselini is much cooler than I previously thought

• Please note that the following point is not related to the sex lives of animals but the discovery did occur during the same time period:
  

• Dr Sister makes a delicious pie but is also such a gracious host that she does not make you eat the pastry if you don't want to ... in fact she even goes so far to remove the pastry from the pie before serving your piece.... I wonder if she'd cut the crusts off my sandwiches too..
  

I hope this has been educational - go check out the exhibition if you're in London - it's awesome...

You might also run into a loveable stoner who will buy you a coffee, enquire about the state of your mental and emotional wellbeing and take you to see a blinged out Catholic church... just for funzies...

Of course that might just have been me....



I also baked a cake - like a boss... flour is now my bitch!


Teacher Pixie out

* Please note that the accuracy of this piece may be marred by the fact that I have been drunk a lot since the learning occurred... I'm pretty sure it's all true though... especially the bit about the pie...

What's New Pussy Cat?

I love this...



One day I shall have my very own kitty and he shall be called Schrodinger...

... or possibly Heisenburg...

... I can't be certain...

*ba dum tiss*

See what I did there?... ah I crack myself up :)




In other news, after a serious tea related incident, my laptop might have been a little bit broken... luckily the wonderful Captain Smugpants fixed it with magic and anti tea spray... or something...

I was sent away with a warning to only drink diet fizzy pop and stop having sugar in my tea... apparently it's ok to have tea related incidents with your most precious electrical items, as long as there is no sugar in your beverage...pah!

Also secret plans are afoot to further the counselling prospects of myself and a couple of other like minded ladies ... if nothing else it might well abate the boredom related psychosis that is ebbing ever closer to my fragile psyche...

But it's so secret that it is currently guarded by ninjas and sharks and bears and cats with opposable thumbs... yeah!


Pixie out.
Woop!

Do My Little Kookie Dance

Hello kittens

I have realised that, the last post notwithstanding, my blog has become something akin to posting downward angled, pouty mobile phone photos of myself wearing far too much black eyeliner, surrounded by Twilight memorabilia on to fan fic forums entitled 'I luv Edward Cullen more than u do... I can prove it cuz I cut myself and have tatz of his face on my skin to show him my luv'...

or somesuch...

In fact so insufferably self absorbed have I become in my rantings that even my 14 year old, desperately insecure, gawky, awkward self is cringing at the awfulness of it all...

So in my 30 year old, desperately insecure, gawky and awkward fashion, I have decided to bloody well stop it!

Bring on the whimsy... awwwww FUCK yeah!!!!

Here goes....

Since we last touched base things have happened... things that have made me pull this face...



Things that have made Ben pull this face...


It is important to note that these faces are not directly related to the same incident... though for comedy purposes, let's pretend they were :)

My birthday was smashing - although it does appear to now have been a very long time ago... so long in fact that in the ensuing 3 weeks - I seem to have become old... and thus, delightfully crotchety (it's delightful when you're old... just damned rude when you're young... I fucking love being old!)

The weekend saw the Lovely Mr Ben, The Boy and I hitting local popular watering hole, The Croft in order to conduct a social experiment where we attempted to fit in with the hipster kids ... and while the other two may just about be able to pull it off... largely because one of them has the face of a 12 year old and the other one is about 12 years old, I struggled a little to begin with... the first band was brilliant but their groupies, with their terribly fashionable, if a little stupid, hair and their incredibly tight, if a little sterilising, trousers did NOT look old enough to be in there... they should have been home, tucked up in bunk beds with Mr Men pyjamas and warm milk... not out drinking and partying and ceremoniously nodding their heads to the loud noises that their really rather talented musical deities were churning out... Or was it simply that I was now too old to be there... maybe I should have been home, tucked up in bed with a warm coco and an increasingly right wing periodical, bemoaning the youth of today...

This feeling persisted until I went outside for my first cigarette break of the evening, upon which I happened upon two trendy looking fellows in their late 20's who seemed to be loudly sharing my feelings... and as a consequence of the next few hours spent intermittently talking with them about kids and their silly hair cuts and generally acting like drunken (yet mature and sophisticated) bafoons, I felt much better about myself... ah collusion is a wonderful thing.

So... essentially I think what I'm trying to say is that I like being old... or at least older... and I think I'm looking forward to being even older...I don't like being grumpy... and I have lots of things to smile about... so I'm gonna...




Fuck you emo me... you've just been rabbit punched in the tit by all powerful Whimsical and Bawdy elderly me....Ha!!!


In the grand scheme of things, pretty good with my lot Pixie out

Are You Gonna Go My Way?

Over the New Year period there was some discussion of my slightly odd persuasion toward a certain Wookie...

In the few short days that have followed the New Year celebrations (which were fantastic btw, even if I did have to wear a flouncy frock and look like an actual girl whilst simultaneously being awed at my capacity for fruity cocktail consumption) mention of the object of my affection has been made on more than one occassion on my usual internet forays....

I think it must be a sign... clearly I have to travel to Kashyyyk to track down his family and find out what skanky bar he's hanging out in now... maybe I could get in good with his mother while I'm there and they will accept me as one of their own and I can live the rest of my life as a Wookie Princess, whittling the future or whatever it is they do....

In the meantime, I'm going to share with you my Wookie related findings... because they amuse me ....




Despite my protestations to the contrary, Ben still believes this graph to depict actual fact...


"I will unzip your skin and wear it like a little coat"... or I will roll around on it in my underwear... you know, depending on my mood



Also... let the Wookie win....


And finally, I cannot find a copyable picture of this so you will all have to go check it out for yourselves... Chewbacca riding a squirrel and battling Nazis... I shit you not... it may be the most awesome thing I have ever seen... maybe.

Wookie Loving Pixie Out



P.S. Also, I want this... though it has nothing to do with Wookies... at all... this may also be the most awesome thing I have ever seen... maybe.



It's like having a deity sucking on your brain... so many kinds of win!

Holiday in Cambodia

I am now officially unemployed...

Whilst I realise that this should fill me with fear and dread about not being able to pay my rent (and there is certainly an element of that - especially when I actually think about it) I'm still vastly more relaxed than I have been for months.

Clearly this is quite telling of my state of mind of late and the sheer levels of ridiculous disproportionate stress I have placed myself under... stupid girl...

My last few days were spent compiling a comprehensive document entitled 'Where Bex has Hidden Everything' ... when you actually have to sit there and write down what you do every day so someone else can understand it, it makes you realise just exactly how complicated it all is and just how much of it there is... so perhaps it's ok that I couldn't do it all perfectly... of course it would have been helpful to have worked this out before it sent me a bit bonkers... ah well... live and learn I guess... apparently the wise man learns from his mistakes...

So I am now hunting for other jobs... including applying for support worker jobs with the company I worked for until Friday.... I filled out all of their silly paper work today and have a whole world of training I need to be doing in the next few days... unfortunately because I've spent the last year judging other people on the quality of their paper work, mine now has to be perfect... which of course, it is :)

I have young Mr Hollis teaching me the ways of being gainfully unemployed, which I'm hoping will yield some results soon and I won't be left destitute on the streets in this weather!

In other news I'm spending Christmas with Ben's family which I'm rather anticipating will be filled with food, booze and outlandish cheating at board games... it'll be the first family Christmas I've had for about 7 years... I think I've forgotten how to do them... fitting into other people's traditions is always slightly stressful but luckily his family is lovely... so hopefully I will be ok... eep!

Right, enough of this time-wastery... I have a job to find.

Merry Christmas lovely people - have this as a gift... enjoy your childish wonder... ignore what the mean kids tell you... they're just mean because they'll be getting coal for Christmas.

Festive Pixie out

This is the end... beautiful friend

So my last day at work is next Friday... after that I will officially be unemployed ... oh dear.

The abject 'dear God I can't afford to pay my rent' panic has not quite set in yet... it will... very soon... but at the moment I'm still in the 'just make it through this last week' mode with a side helping of being very ill... there is a chance I may even have full on proper flu... I'm hoping it's just a horribly fevered cold and not anything more sinister... but my God I feel proper rotten.

I went to work yesterday feeling quite poorly, lost my voice by the time I got to work making me almost utterly useless and then had a seizure, making me fully useless... I went home and slept...and slept...and sweated...and slept... and coughed... and slept... and mostly kept Ben awake by sweating and coughing...

This morning I was up at 7.15 to go to work again (yes it is a Saturday) feeling utterly wretched... that mucus monster is out to get me again...

On the plus side, the news of my resignation was taken very well... my boss was really very lovely about the whole thing and the general concensus is that I will be missed but that my decision is being respected and that recruitment really isn't the right world for me. The notion of me either going back to school or getting some kind of support work role was met with rounds of approval... though I'm not sure she entirely believes I don't have another job to go to...

The lovely Mr Ben bought me flowers to say 'well done' and that he was proud of me for doing something so incredibly stupid ... I think my stupidity may be rubbing off on him... I'm not sure it's appropriate to buy flowers to say 'well done for quitting your job even though you don't have another one to go to and you may end up struggling to pay your rent next month'... nevertheless they were very gratefully received...maybe Hallmark could do a line on 'Congratulations, you've done something screamingly dumb' greetings cards!

So now I'm sitting at work blogging because I'm too ill to do anything meaningful and praying that the training will finish early so I can go home and go to bed before my head explodes, my back gives out, the mucus devours me whole, or something equally delightful occurs... blergh...

I shall keep you updated on my employment situation (because I like to think you care), though I very much doubt anything meaningful will happen before Christmas... so I'm just going to try and enjoy it and not think about the impending doom for a week or so at least!

Denial Pixie Out... cough, splutter... "I gots the black lung Pop"

Floating Upstream

It seems that I have been very wrong about this year... I started the year believing it was a new beginning, a fresh start, on to bigger and better things...

In retrospect, what it has been is a transitional year... not a new start but the end of some things, the consideration of others and indeed the beginning of even more.

Bob and I are now officially divorced - we even spoke last weekend - he called me... to say goodbye I think, more than anything else...
I cried... a lot... but it was good to speak with him and it be friendly... I'm very happy for him that he has a new girlfriend and seems to be doing something with his art work... may be one day we'll be able to be in the same place at the same time and it not be awful... it felt like a little bit of closure

I have been given this week to 'think about my future' within the company... I'm spending it worrying, trying to minimise my expenditure and looking for other jobs... I'm not what they need and this job is not what I need...

What I have realised is that a 'career' is not as important to me as I thought it was... if I cannot work as a counsellor until I have finished my training and I cannot finish my training until I have lots of money and lots of free time, then it doesn't really matter what I do for a living... if I can pay my bills and have enough money left over for beer and fags then that's ok...
I think I've finally worked out what is important to me... and a career isn't it...

The ones I love are important... getting a little joy out of life is important... being able to help other people with their problems because I'm not so wrapped up in my own, is important... wearing a suit to work and building the business... that's not important...

Even though when I go back to work next week, I'm going to throw away the only opportunity for a career I've ever had, I think that's ok... my measure of success has changed dramatically in the last year...

It doesn't matter what you do for a living as long as you're happy

So while this year has been a transitional year, perhaps next year will be the new start ... or perhaps it won't... but that's ok too...

I have a wonderful man, wonderful friends, wonderful family... everything else is really just secondary... and it will fall in to place.... eventually.

I love you guys

Epiphany Pixie Out