I am now officially unemployed...
Whilst I realise that this should fill me with fear and dread about not being able to pay my rent (and there is certainly an element of that - especially when I actually think about it) I'm still vastly more relaxed than I have been for months.
Clearly this is quite telling of my state of mind of late and the sheer levels of ridiculous disproportionate stress I have placed myself under... stupid girl...
My last few days were spent compiling a comprehensive document entitled 'Where Bex has Hidden Everything' ... when you actually have to sit there and write down what you do every day so someone else can understand it, it makes you realise just exactly how complicated it all is and just how much of it there is... so perhaps it's ok that I couldn't do it all perfectly... of course it would have been helpful to have worked this out before it sent me a bit bonkers... ah well... live and learn I guess... apparently the wise man learns from his mistakes...
So I am now hunting for other jobs... including applying for support worker jobs with the company I worked for until Friday.... I filled out all of their silly paper work today and have a whole world of training I need to be doing in the next few days... unfortunately because I've spent the last year judging other people on the quality of their paper work, mine now has to be perfect... which of course, it is :)
I have young Mr Hollis teaching me the ways of being gainfully unemployed, which I'm hoping will yield some results soon and I won't be left destitute on the streets in this weather!
In other news I'm spending Christmas with Ben's family which I'm rather anticipating will be filled with food, booze and outlandish cheating at board games... it'll be the first family Christmas I've had for about 7 years... I think I've forgotten how to do them... fitting into other people's traditions is always slightly stressful but luckily his family is lovely... so hopefully I will be ok... eep!
Right, enough of this time-wastery... I have a job to find.
Merry Christmas lovely people - have this as a gift... enjoy your childish wonder... ignore what the mean kids tell you... they're just mean because they'll be getting coal for Christmas.
Festive Pixie out
Monday, 20 December 2010
Saturday, 11 December 2010
This is the end... beautiful friend
So my last day at work is next Friday... after that I will officially be unemployed ... oh dear.
The abject 'dear God I can't afford to pay my rent' panic has not quite set in yet... it will... very soon... but at the moment I'm still in the 'just make it through this last week' mode with a side helping of being very ill... there is a chance I may even have full on proper flu... I'm hoping it's just a horribly fevered cold and not anything more sinister... but my God I feel proper rotten.
I went to work yesterday feeling quite poorly, lost my voice by the time I got to work making me almost utterly useless and then had a seizure, making me fully useless... I went home and slept...and slept...and sweated...and slept... and coughed... and slept... and mostly kept Ben awake by sweating and coughing...
This morning I was up at 7.15 to go to work again (yes it is a Saturday) feeling utterly wretched... that mucus monster is out to get me again...
On the plus side, the news of my resignation was taken very well... my boss was really very lovely about the whole thing and the general concensus is that I will be missed but that my decision is being respected and that recruitment really isn't the right world for me. The notion of me either going back to school or getting some kind of support work role was met with rounds of approval... though I'm not sure she entirely believes I don't have another job to go to...
The lovely Mr Ben bought me flowers to say 'well done' and that he was proud of me for doing something so incredibly stupid ... I think my stupidity may be rubbing off on him... I'm not sure it's appropriate to buy flowers to say 'well done for quitting your job even though you don't have another one to go to and you may end up struggling to pay your rent next month'... nevertheless they were very gratefully received...maybe Hallmark could do a line on 'Congratulations, you've done something screamingly dumb' greetings cards!
So now I'm sitting at work blogging because I'm too ill to do anything meaningful and praying that the training will finish early so I can go home and go to bed before my head explodes, my back gives out, the mucus devours me whole, or something equally delightful occurs... blergh...
I shall keep you updated on my employment situation (because I like to think you care), though I very much doubt anything meaningful will happen before Christmas... so I'm just going to try and enjoy it and not think about the impending doom for a week or so at least!
Denial Pixie Out... cough, splutter... "I gots the black lung Pop"
The abject 'dear God I can't afford to pay my rent' panic has not quite set in yet... it will... very soon... but at the moment I'm still in the 'just make it through this last week' mode with a side helping of being very ill... there is a chance I may even have full on proper flu... I'm hoping it's just a horribly fevered cold and not anything more sinister... but my God I feel proper rotten.
I went to work yesterday feeling quite poorly, lost my voice by the time I got to work making me almost utterly useless and then had a seizure, making me fully useless... I went home and slept...and slept...and sweated...and slept... and coughed... and slept... and mostly kept Ben awake by sweating and coughing...
This morning I was up at 7.15 to go to work again (yes it is a Saturday) feeling utterly wretched... that mucus monster is out to get me again...
On the plus side, the news of my resignation was taken very well... my boss was really very lovely about the whole thing and the general concensus is that I will be missed but that my decision is being respected and that recruitment really isn't the right world for me. The notion of me either going back to school or getting some kind of support work role was met with rounds of approval... though I'm not sure she entirely believes I don't have another job to go to...
The lovely Mr Ben bought me flowers to say 'well done' and that he was proud of me for doing something so incredibly stupid ... I think my stupidity may be rubbing off on him... I'm not sure it's appropriate to buy flowers to say 'well done for quitting your job even though you don't have another one to go to and you may end up struggling to pay your rent next month'... nevertheless they were very gratefully received...maybe Hallmark could do a line on 'Congratulations, you've done something screamingly dumb' greetings cards!
So now I'm sitting at work blogging because I'm too ill to do anything meaningful and praying that the training will finish early so I can go home and go to bed before my head explodes, my back gives out, the mucus devours me whole, or something equally delightful occurs... blergh...
I shall keep you updated on my employment situation (because I like to think you care), though I very much doubt anything meaningful will happen before Christmas... so I'm just going to try and enjoy it and not think about the impending doom for a week or so at least!
Denial Pixie Out... cough, splutter... "I gots the black lung Pop"
Wednesday, 1 December 2010
Floating Upstream
It seems that I have been very wrong about this year... I started the year believing it was a new beginning, a fresh start, on to bigger and better things...
In retrospect, what it has been is a transitional year... not a new start but the end of some things, the consideration of others and indeed the beginning of even more.
Bob and I are now officially divorced - we even spoke last weekend - he called me... to say goodbye I think, more than anything else...
I cried... a lot... but it was good to speak with him and it be friendly... I'm very happy for him that he has a new girlfriend and seems to be doing something with his art work... may be one day we'll be able to be in the same place at the same time and it not be awful... it felt like a little bit of closure
I have been given this week to 'think about my future' within the company... I'm spending it worrying, trying to minimise my expenditure and looking for other jobs... I'm not what they need and this job is not what I need...
What I have realised is that a 'career' is not as important to me as I thought it was... if I cannot work as a counsellor until I have finished my training and I cannot finish my training until I have lots of money and lots of free time, then it doesn't really matter what I do for a living... if I can pay my bills and have enough money left over for beer and fags then that's ok...
I think I've finally worked out what is important to me... and a career isn't it...
The ones I love are important... getting a little joy out of life is important... being able to help other people with their problems because I'm not so wrapped up in my own, is important... wearing a suit to work and building the business... that's not important...
Even though when I go back to work next week, I'm going to throw away the only opportunity for a career I've ever had, I think that's ok... my measure of success has changed dramatically in the last year...
It doesn't matter what you do for a living as long as you're happy
So while this year has been a transitional year, perhaps next year will be the new start ... or perhaps it won't... but that's ok too...
I have a wonderful man, wonderful friends, wonderful family... everything else is really just secondary... and it will fall in to place.... eventually.
I love you guys
Epiphany Pixie Out
In retrospect, what it has been is a transitional year... not a new start but the end of some things, the consideration of others and indeed the beginning of even more.
Bob and I are now officially divorced - we even spoke last weekend - he called me... to say goodbye I think, more than anything else...
I cried... a lot... but it was good to speak with him and it be friendly... I'm very happy for him that he has a new girlfriend and seems to be doing something with his art work... may be one day we'll be able to be in the same place at the same time and it not be awful... it felt like a little bit of closure
I have been given this week to 'think about my future' within the company... I'm spending it worrying, trying to minimise my expenditure and looking for other jobs... I'm not what they need and this job is not what I need...
What I have realised is that a 'career' is not as important to me as I thought it was... if I cannot work as a counsellor until I have finished my training and I cannot finish my training until I have lots of money and lots of free time, then it doesn't really matter what I do for a living... if I can pay my bills and have enough money left over for beer and fags then that's ok...
I think I've finally worked out what is important to me... and a career isn't it...
The ones I love are important... getting a little joy out of life is important... being able to help other people with their problems because I'm not so wrapped up in my own, is important... wearing a suit to work and building the business... that's not important...
Even though when I go back to work next week, I'm going to throw away the only opportunity for a career I've ever had, I think that's ok... my measure of success has changed dramatically in the last year...
It doesn't matter what you do for a living as long as you're happy
So while this year has been a transitional year, perhaps next year will be the new start ... or perhaps it won't... but that's ok too...
I have a wonderful man, wonderful friends, wonderful family... everything else is really just secondary... and it will fall in to place.... eventually.
I love you guys
Epiphany Pixie Out
Saturday, 6 November 2010
Anyone Can Play Guitar
So it seems that my worst fears have been realised and I've been discovered as a fraud and a charlatan...
Despite previous ramblings to the contrary, the powers that be at work have discovered that I am not in fact very good at my job... well... to clarify, I'm good at some bits of my job but utterly useless at the other bits... notably, the bits that make the company money or help it to grow as a viable business...
In the big 'team meeting' this week, I was told that were I not so awesome and brilliant at the bit of my job that essentially spends the company's money, they would struggle to know what to do with me... and given the recent shake ups that have been happening in the wider company (and my generally hightened state of heart attack inducing anxiety), I took that fairly badly... observe...
What was actually said:
"Bex, we really need you to be doing XYZ, it is obvious that you are really struggling with this, it makes you very uncomfortable and fairly unhappy and what we really need to be doing is focusing on generating revenue and playing to our worker's strengths. You are exceptional at ABC but were you not so exceptional at ABC I would really struggle to know what to do with you - when the training takes off I think you'll be exceptional and happy there too, but that won't be for a while - you're really more of an organiser and resourcer than a recruitment consultant or even an administrator, which is what we really need at this point - so essentially what we'll be doing is bringing someone in to generate business while you do the resourcing - obviously this will mean that the pay rise we promised you for the job you're meant to be doing won't be coming your way because you won't be doing that job - we will be changing your job title asap... that'll be better for everyone and make you more happy, won't it?"
What I heard:
"You're a bit useless really aren't you? You had us fooled for a while there but now, you're about a gnat's cock away from getting your useless, incapable of generating an income, lack of business acumen ass sacked... honestly, what do you think you're playing at? What have you actually been doing? No career or glowing prospects for you any more... I'll just take those back, thank you very much... Justify your existence... puny human... muhahahahaha"
What I said in response:
"Sniffle...erm...yes... sniffle... no no I don't disagree with anything you've said... sniffle sniffle... no no really, I'm not a recruitment consultant... snif snif... sob sob ... bawl...wail... weep... sob... *uncontrollable childlike sobbing infront of boss*... I'm sorry..."
How I now feel:
GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This happened on Wednesday, since then I've been mulling over everything and have come to the not particularly startling conclusion that I AM NOT A RECRUITMENT CONSULTANT... I have no desire to be a recruitment consultant, the only reason I took this job was because I needed a job in Bristol and it was in generally my field of interest (also it was better paid than the job I actually applied for)
So I now have no idea what to do... I love the people I work with, I like and respect the people I work for and can really see their vision and ethos for the future of the business working...if I weren't dragging them down... I should be counselling or working with kids or being a fusty academic or something... I just can't work in the world of business where turnover is the focus... I can't bear it... but I fear it may be impossible to escape it... and at the moment I can't see any feasible way of getting where I feel I should be...
...help...
In other news:
* Grandma's dying - she's gone in to renal failure and has about 6 months to live
* I have just signed my final lot of divorce papers
* My epilepsy appears to be getting worse - I'm putting it down to anxiety levels rather than anything more sinister
* My anxiety levels are such that I predict my own heart failure related death in about 10 years
* Ben has now seen me cry... and dealt with it perfectly
* It's Matt *insert degrading Facism related comment here* Smith's birthday party today and I intend to burn things and get very very drunk
* This made me laugh
See you all in the world
Confused and anxious Pixie Out
Despite previous ramblings to the contrary, the powers that be at work have discovered that I am not in fact very good at my job... well... to clarify, I'm good at some bits of my job but utterly useless at the other bits... notably, the bits that make the company money or help it to grow as a viable business...
In the big 'team meeting' this week, I was told that were I not so awesome and brilliant at the bit of my job that essentially spends the company's money, they would struggle to know what to do with me... and given the recent shake ups that have been happening in the wider company (and my generally hightened state of heart attack inducing anxiety), I took that fairly badly... observe...
What was actually said:
"Bex, we really need you to be doing XYZ, it is obvious that you are really struggling with this, it makes you very uncomfortable and fairly unhappy and what we really need to be doing is focusing on generating revenue and playing to our worker's strengths. You are exceptional at ABC but were you not so exceptional at ABC I would really struggle to know what to do with you - when the training takes off I think you'll be exceptional and happy there too, but that won't be for a while - you're really more of an organiser and resourcer than a recruitment consultant or even an administrator, which is what we really need at this point - so essentially what we'll be doing is bringing someone in to generate business while you do the resourcing - obviously this will mean that the pay rise we promised you for the job you're meant to be doing won't be coming your way because you won't be doing that job - we will be changing your job title asap... that'll be better for everyone and make you more happy, won't it?"
What I heard:
"You're a bit useless really aren't you? You had us fooled for a while there but now, you're about a gnat's cock away from getting your useless, incapable of generating an income, lack of business acumen ass sacked... honestly, what do you think you're playing at? What have you actually been doing? No career or glowing prospects for you any more... I'll just take those back, thank you very much... Justify your existence... puny human... muhahahahaha"
What I said in response:
"Sniffle...erm...yes... sniffle... no no I don't disagree with anything you've said... sniffle sniffle... no no really, I'm not a recruitment consultant... snif snif... sob sob ... bawl...wail... weep... sob... *uncontrollable childlike sobbing infront of boss*... I'm sorry..."
How I now feel:
GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This happened on Wednesday, since then I've been mulling over everything and have come to the not particularly startling conclusion that I AM NOT A RECRUITMENT CONSULTANT... I have no desire to be a recruitment consultant, the only reason I took this job was because I needed a job in Bristol and it was in generally my field of interest (also it was better paid than the job I actually applied for)
So I now have no idea what to do... I love the people I work with, I like and respect the people I work for and can really see their vision and ethos for the future of the business working...if I weren't dragging them down... I should be counselling or working with kids or being a fusty academic or something... I just can't work in the world of business where turnover is the focus... I can't bear it... but I fear it may be impossible to escape it... and at the moment I can't see any feasible way of getting where I feel I should be...
...help...
In other news:
* Grandma's dying - she's gone in to renal failure and has about 6 months to live
* I have just signed my final lot of divorce papers
* My epilepsy appears to be getting worse - I'm putting it down to anxiety levels rather than anything more sinister
* My anxiety levels are such that I predict my own heart failure related death in about 10 years
* Ben has now seen me cry... and dealt with it perfectly
* It's Matt *insert degrading Facism related comment here* Smith's birthday party today and I intend to burn things and get very very drunk
* This made me laugh
See you all in the world
Confused and anxious Pixie Out
Saturday, 11 September 2010
Shake my Tomb
I have a new minion at work.... and I finally got the shoes I've coveted for months and months to match my new status of having 2 minions...
According to my boss I'm managing the new boy very well (yes, that's right - a boy) - he's a bit weird and talks to himself a bit and also he's Welsh... but we are an equal opportunities employer so we can look past these kind of disabilities and treat him as an equal.
Under my expert tutiledge he's picking things up quickly, which with any luck will go some way to making my life a little easier... or at least making it as difficult as it has been all along since I now have insane targets to meet... ahhhh!!!!
On the one had I'm being praised for my patience and understanding with the new boy but on the other I'm being told I need to be more of a rotweiller to get things done... I have no idea where to start with that... I figure I'm going to go with puppy rotweiller to start with and see how my boss copes with me chewing on her best shoes and pooping on the floor...
In other news, Mr Ben and I went to a most splendid wedding (I even put a frock on) - two of my oldest friends in the world got married - finally - they've been together since we were 16 (aside from about 6 months whilst we were all at university - but no one talks about that). Vast quantities of beer and pig meat were consumed, shapes were thrown in the church of dance and my gay friends continued their efforts to turn Ben over to the dark side... I'd like to think they were fighting a losing battle... but then I'd like to think a great many things...
I spent a lovely few days with Mr Ben's parents - I say lovely, what I mean is, I spent 3 days battling spiders the size of my face, unearthing terrifying gribblies from the deep and playing with sledgehammers and axes... nevertheless, his family are adorable and apparently are 'quite taken' with me... which is nice...
I also chose that few days to have a minor melt down about the whole divorce thing... it seems I haven't dealt with it at all and this has given me furiously to think and get angry and cry and think some more and cry a bit more and generally over-analyse every aspect of my life - such is my way...
Ultimately, it seems that despite being a highly trained communicator - I'm completely incabable of communicating with anyone close to me about anything even remotely negative. It occurred to me that in the whole time I was in that relationship I lost my temper twice - the first time he laughed at me and the second time it was too late to make any difference... if I'd been more forthecoming about my feelings, perhaps it would have made a difference. If I'd even once said how desperately unhappy I was or how seethingly angry I was with him before things got really bad, perhaps it would have given him the opportunity to change his ways and I wouldn't now be getting divorced and a whole bunch of people wouldn't hate me. I was and remain, horribly cowardly.
I started this blog as a form of marriage guidance, somewhere to express things that I couldn't express in a more meaningful way - and possibly get a bit of advice along the way... I failed.
Nevertheless it is done - my decree absolute should be coming through the post very soon and I need to move on.
So in an effort to make amends with the communication gods and learn from my mistakes - I have something to say:
Ben Brooks - I love you.
That is all.
Pixie Out
According to my boss I'm managing the new boy very well (yes, that's right - a boy) - he's a bit weird and talks to himself a bit and also he's Welsh... but we are an equal opportunities employer so we can look past these kind of disabilities and treat him as an equal.
Under my expert tutiledge he's picking things up quickly, which with any luck will go some way to making my life a little easier... or at least making it as difficult as it has been all along since I now have insane targets to meet... ahhhh!!!!
On the one had I'm being praised for my patience and understanding with the new boy but on the other I'm being told I need to be more of a rotweiller to get things done... I have no idea where to start with that... I figure I'm going to go with puppy rotweiller to start with and see how my boss copes with me chewing on her best shoes and pooping on the floor...
In other news, Mr Ben and I went to a most splendid wedding (I even put a frock on) - two of my oldest friends in the world got married - finally - they've been together since we were 16 (aside from about 6 months whilst we were all at university - but no one talks about that). Vast quantities of beer and pig meat were consumed, shapes were thrown in the church of dance and my gay friends continued their efforts to turn Ben over to the dark side... I'd like to think they were fighting a losing battle... but then I'd like to think a great many things...I spent a lovely few days with Mr Ben's parents - I say lovely, what I mean is, I spent 3 days battling spiders the size of my face, unearthing terrifying gribblies from the deep and playing with sledgehammers and axes... nevertheless, his family are adorable and apparently are 'quite taken' with me... which is nice...
I also chose that few days to have a minor melt down about the whole divorce thing... it seems I haven't dealt with it at all and this has given me furiously to think and get angry and cry and think some more and cry a bit more and generally over-analyse every aspect of my life - such is my way...
Ultimately, it seems that despite being a highly trained communicator - I'm completely incabable of communicating with anyone close to me about anything even remotely negative. It occurred to me that in the whole time I was in that relationship I lost my temper twice - the first time he laughed at me and the second time it was too late to make any difference... if I'd been more forthecoming about my feelings, perhaps it would have made a difference. If I'd even once said how desperately unhappy I was or how seethingly angry I was with him before things got really bad, perhaps it would have given him the opportunity to change his ways and I wouldn't now be getting divorced and a whole bunch of people wouldn't hate me. I was and remain, horribly cowardly.
I started this blog as a form of marriage guidance, somewhere to express things that I couldn't express in a more meaningful way - and possibly get a bit of advice along the way... I failed.
Nevertheless it is done - my decree absolute should be coming through the post very soon and I need to move on.
So in an effort to make amends with the communication gods and learn from my mistakes - I have something to say:
Ben Brooks - I love you.
That is all.
Pixie Out
Sunday, 11 July 2010
Have Love, Will Travel
Greetings my lovelies - my my hasn't it been an age?
Well this is because while I have plenty to write about and probably a whole bunch I should be writing about for the sake of my inner calm, I'm not entirely sure that voicing most of it in a public forum is entirely appropriate - a wise man said to me recently about the art of blogging that it is one thing to write knowing that anyone could read your ramblings, it is entirely another to write knowing that someone could be reading them...
I have spent many months now attempting to perform damage control and behave in a way that would prevent other people from getting hurt or being upset...nevertheless, despite my best efforts and driving myself a little mad with anxiety, people have been hurt and upset and generally my nearest and dearest have been having a tough time and I can't help but feel largely responsible for most of it - I suppose you can't change every aspect of your life in the space of 6 months and not expect it to have some impact on those around you.
So I have decided that I will just have to try and relax a bit and take the blows as they come - I've driven myself to distraction trying to avoid causing and receiving any more pain and I have failed - so perhaps I should just enjoy the good times, stop feeling guilty about everything all the time and stop worrying that it's all going to go horribly wrong at any moment. There is nothing I can do about any of it.
With this in mind - I will now be updating with wild abandon about the lovely things in my life... and when it all goes horribly wrong, I will just have to deal with it.
And finally...
If you've never experienced these guys... go do it now...
The Big Come Up is their debut album - they're on their 6th now... but because I'm a wanker, I like their early, more raw stuff better - think Hendrix meets south of the river grumbly blues and you're about there - I am slowly converting a legion of new fans for them
The lovely Mr Ben took me to see them at the Colston Hall this week, because he is lovely. The Colston Hall is a horrible place to see a gig. The band more than made up for it. They kick out one hell of a noise for a 2 piece.
Also, mongoose lemurs are awesome - FACT.
(We went to the zoo this week and saw these guys up close and personal - I haven't just taken a shine to pretend monkeys at random)
Pixie Out
Well this is because while I have plenty to write about and probably a whole bunch I should be writing about for the sake of my inner calm, I'm not entirely sure that voicing most of it in a public forum is entirely appropriate - a wise man said to me recently about the art of blogging that it is one thing to write knowing that anyone could read your ramblings, it is entirely another to write knowing that someone could be reading them...
I have spent many months now attempting to perform damage control and behave in a way that would prevent other people from getting hurt or being upset...nevertheless, despite my best efforts and driving myself a little mad with anxiety, people have been hurt and upset and generally my nearest and dearest have been having a tough time and I can't help but feel largely responsible for most of it - I suppose you can't change every aspect of your life in the space of 6 months and not expect it to have some impact on those around you.
So I have decided that I will just have to try and relax a bit and take the blows as they come - I've driven myself to distraction trying to avoid causing and receiving any more pain and I have failed - so perhaps I should just enjoy the good times, stop feeling guilty about everything all the time and stop worrying that it's all going to go horribly wrong at any moment. There is nothing I can do about any of it.
With this in mind - I will now be updating with wild abandon about the lovely things in my life... and when it all goes horribly wrong, I will just have to deal with it.
And finally...
If you've never experienced these guys... go do it now...
The Big Come Up is their debut album - they're on their 6th now... but because I'm a wanker, I like their early, more raw stuff better - think Hendrix meets south of the river grumbly blues and you're about there - I am slowly converting a legion of new fans for them
The lovely Mr Ben took me to see them at the Colston Hall this week, because he is lovely. The Colston Hall is a horrible place to see a gig. The band more than made up for it. They kick out one hell of a noise for a 2 piece.
Also, mongoose lemurs are awesome - FACT.
(We went to the zoo this week and saw these guys up close and personal - I haven't just taken a shine to pretend monkeys at random)
Pixie Out
Wednesday, 5 May 2010
That's Where My Groove Is...
Busy busy busy...
Sad times.
Angry times.
Heartbroken timeS.
Slowly putting myself back together times.
Happy times.
Drunken times.
Lovely times.
Sleepy times.
Gigs.
Burlesque.
Roleplaying.
Divorced before I'm 30.
Too much of a social conscience for recruitment.
Not enough hours in the day.
Smashing friends.
Lovely man.
Lots of beer.
Plotting of super villany.
And thus is the long overdue summary of the Pixie's life.
Too busy to be eloquent today... at some point I will formulate a loquacious novel to fill in all the gaps - but for now... Need. To. Work.... GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!
Sad times.
Angry times.
Heartbroken timeS.
Slowly putting myself back together times.
Happy times.
Drunken times.
Lovely times.
Sleepy times.
Gigs.
Burlesque.
Roleplaying.
Divorced before I'm 30.
Too much of a social conscience for recruitment.
Not enough hours in the day.
Smashing friends.
Lovely man.
Lots of beer.
Plotting of super villany.
And thus is the long overdue summary of the Pixie's life.
Too busy to be eloquent today... at some point I will formulate a loquacious novel to fill in all the gaps - but for now... Need. To. Work.... GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!
Tuesday, 9 March 2010
Won't you be my sunshine, baby?
Amidst much petulance, sad face making and general gnashing of teeth many weeks seem to have passed since I last updated... I never promised to update regularly and my talent for disorganisation is only bested by my talent for procrastinating... so really, you're lucky to be getting anything at all from the mottled tomes of the Pixie.
Still... some very sad times have occurred and I was left crawling away from the battle field licking my wounds... time to heal is being had and friends are being beautiful and supportive...nevertheless, I remain uncomfortable, uncertain and generally lacking a safety net. I am a fragile little Pixie... not feeling particularly warrior like at the moment... I'm sure I will get it back eventually... but for now, hiding away in a drunken stupor is working out quite nicely (except that whole ' going to work with a stinking hangover' thing... yeah won't be doing that again.)
With all this sadness going on, I have still found time for some brightness.
My boss thinks I am so many kinds of awesome still... I think he may be slightly mad.... he is talking about me becoming a big corporate shark with him... I think we're gonna need a bigger boat!.... and I am going to need new shoes for the job :)
I have been intro gamed - which was awesome... my big gay space elves are perhaps not as big and gay as I was lead to believe ... I am also learning to paint with my weekly painting lessons as lead by Captain Barbeque and the lovely Mr. Ben... and as it transpires I am - and I quote, 'better than a 12 year old boy' - and my models 'don't look as bad as I thought' - thank you my Aryan Prince.
Jefferson 'Master Cylinder, Cock as Black as the Night (but apparently not) A Bomb McDeath - Urban Destruction' came to visit the Nerd Tower - much drinking, talking of inner city London institutionalised educational racism and general other buggery was discussed including the addition of 'death by Jeff's Cock' to our sweep stake of how Team Track Slag are going to destroy their newly acquired purchase. This latest addition to the sweepstake by the lovely Ms. Cat, frankly seems more likely than any of the other bets.
The visitation of the A Bomb did mean that our neighbours were disturbed and came to complain about the noise the following day - something I had been losing sleep over till now... but of course now it's happened and they already hate us, there is little more for me to worry about - curse my cripplingly low self esteem...curse it to Hades!
Last night we all went to see Alice in Wonderland... and frankly I don't give 2 tiddly poops what anyone else thinks... I loved it... it was the heart of Lewis Carrol teamed with the soul of Tim Burton - yes it was a little silly in places but it was a psychedelic romp through beautiful drug induced dream like scenery with equally perfectly imagined characters and a story that while new, grasped perfectly at the roots of the original books - which by the way are probably my favourite childhood books. What the Chronicles of Narnia did to smoosh my childhood love and make it horribly clear that a story I had loved as a child was just poor - this just made me squeal like a little girl...
Also there was a trailer for this:
There are people riding dragons and Vikings.... I had a moviegasm... a little bit.... mmmmm dragons :)
Also I just managed to score Monday off work... so I get to go see The Boy perform for the first time on Sunday night and finally pop my Burlesque Cherry.... woop hoot and yey!!!
Good times on the horizon...
Battered, bruised, wound licking but sunning herself in the brightness Pixie out
xxx
Still... some very sad times have occurred and I was left crawling away from the battle field licking my wounds... time to heal is being had and friends are being beautiful and supportive...nevertheless, I remain uncomfortable, uncertain and generally lacking a safety net. I am a fragile little Pixie... not feeling particularly warrior like at the moment... I'm sure I will get it back eventually... but for now, hiding away in a drunken stupor is working out quite nicely (except that whole ' going to work with a stinking hangover' thing... yeah won't be doing that again.)
With all this sadness going on, I have still found time for some brightness.
My boss thinks I am so many kinds of awesome still... I think he may be slightly mad.... he is talking about me becoming a big corporate shark with him... I think we're gonna need a bigger boat!.... and I am going to need new shoes for the job :)
I have been intro gamed - which was awesome... my big gay space elves are perhaps not as big and gay as I was lead to believe ... I am also learning to paint with my weekly painting lessons as lead by Captain Barbeque and the lovely Mr. Ben... and as it transpires I am - and I quote, 'better than a 12 year old boy' - and my models 'don't look as bad as I thought' - thank you my Aryan Prince.
Jefferson 'Master Cylinder, Cock as Black as the Night (but apparently not) A Bomb McDeath - Urban Destruction' came to visit the Nerd Tower - much drinking, talking of inner city London institutionalised educational racism and general other buggery was discussed including the addition of 'death by Jeff's Cock' to our sweep stake of how Team Track Slag are going to destroy their newly acquired purchase. This latest addition to the sweepstake by the lovely Ms. Cat, frankly seems more likely than any of the other bets.
The visitation of the A Bomb did mean that our neighbours were disturbed and came to complain about the noise the following day - something I had been losing sleep over till now... but of course now it's happened and they already hate us, there is little more for me to worry about - curse my cripplingly low self esteem...curse it to Hades!
Last night we all went to see Alice in Wonderland... and frankly I don't give 2 tiddly poops what anyone else thinks... I loved it... it was the heart of Lewis Carrol teamed with the soul of Tim Burton - yes it was a little silly in places but it was a psychedelic romp through beautiful drug induced dream like scenery with equally perfectly imagined characters and a story that while new, grasped perfectly at the roots of the original books - which by the way are probably my favourite childhood books. What the Chronicles of Narnia did to smoosh my childhood love and make it horribly clear that a story I had loved as a child was just poor - this just made me squeal like a little girl...
Also there was a trailer for this:
There are people riding dragons and Vikings.... I had a moviegasm... a little bit.... mmmmm dragons :)
Also I just managed to score Monday off work... so I get to go see The Boy perform for the first time on Sunday night and finally pop my Burlesque Cherry.... woop hoot and yey!!!
Good times on the horizon...
Battered, bruised, wound licking but sunning herself in the brightness Pixie out
xxx
Tuesday, 16 February 2010
We Live in a Beautiful World
Phew! Much has occurred in the last couple of weeks and this Pixie is most satisfied with it all.
I have proven beyond any doubt amidst much bemoaning, wailing and gnashing of teeth that 4th Ed. Bards are both awesome and indeed win... unfortunately most of my group now want to play Bards, which would rather defeat the object of the exercise but ho hum - it's an improvement from 'you're never playing a Bard in my game, not ever... Bards are pony'... ha! showed you!
The Luncheon Club Dedicated to the Destruction of Stuff defeated No Face in a hail of glory and hot on the heels of this epic victory Skeletor and his Minions went down like little pussy bitches in just a single week thanks to a joint team effort but largely to the strange and oddly imperialistic knowledge of the world that our Furher seems to possess... perhaps it is all that invasion planning that has afforded him such a wealth of knowledge... of course now we have to come up with another team name but those free drinks tasted all the sweeter as they were lined with pure, 100% beautiful victory.
My training course seems to have come to an abrubt halt with the finance company sending out a letter stating that the training provider has ceased to trade - apparently I should keep paying them my money as they are attempting to source an alternative provider... frankly I don't want to - it's a lot of money and I was really only doing it so I could get an awesome job as a web designer... now that I have an awesome and enormously time consuming job, it seems a little silly to continue when all I would be doing is paying a lot of money to look at something I find interesting but am never going to use - much like all the other training courses / degree that has left me in a whole heap of debt that I have never really recovered from. Also, by the time I come home from work all stressed out (in a good way) the last thing I want to do is sit in front of more work for hours. My social life is just as busy as my working life right now and I simply don't have time for it!!!! (oh woe is me, the life of a social butterly... boo fucking hoo!!!!)
I also had some of my lovely photo shoot pictures come back - I be nekked! They are beautiful and very arty though, quite the testament to the photographer, I think. It was a very positive experience, I felt very empowered afterwards, even if a little cold - lying on a cold concrete floor wearing precisely nothing is not particularly warming, you know! My muscles ached like buggery afterwards as well from all the unnatural poses I was holding - I ached for about 2 weeks in places I didn't even know I had places! Totally worth it though :)
Last night the Nerd Tower played host to the beginning of the lovely Nicola's Vampire campaign, which looks like it is going to be really very good - despite all the buffoonery and general silliness that occurs in any roleplaying game in which you let this particular group of nerds participate... good times :)
Anyway my lovelies, that is all from me - I must be away, there are some woodland creatures that need my assistance - I really shouldn't answer the Pixie Phone this early in the morning.
Satisfied Pixie Out
xxx
I have proven beyond any doubt amidst much bemoaning, wailing and gnashing of teeth that 4th Ed. Bards are both awesome and indeed win... unfortunately most of my group now want to play Bards, which would rather defeat the object of the exercise but ho hum - it's an improvement from 'you're never playing a Bard in my game, not ever... Bards are pony'... ha! showed you!
The Luncheon Club Dedicated to the Destruction of Stuff defeated No Face in a hail of glory and hot on the heels of this epic victory Skeletor and his Minions went down like little pussy bitches in just a single week thanks to a joint team effort but largely to the strange and oddly imperialistic knowledge of the world that our Furher seems to possess... perhaps it is all that invasion planning that has afforded him such a wealth of knowledge... of course now we have to come up with another team name but those free drinks tasted all the sweeter as they were lined with pure, 100% beautiful victory.
My training course seems to have come to an abrubt halt with the finance company sending out a letter stating that the training provider has ceased to trade - apparently I should keep paying them my money as they are attempting to source an alternative provider... frankly I don't want to - it's a lot of money and I was really only doing it so I could get an awesome job as a web designer... now that I have an awesome and enormously time consuming job, it seems a little silly to continue when all I would be doing is paying a lot of money to look at something I find interesting but am never going to use - much like all the other training courses / degree that has left me in a whole heap of debt that I have never really recovered from. Also, by the time I come home from work all stressed out (in a good way) the last thing I want to do is sit in front of more work for hours. My social life is just as busy as my working life right now and I simply don't have time for it!!!! (oh woe is me, the life of a social butterly... boo fucking hoo!!!!)
I also had some of my lovely photo shoot pictures come back - I be nekked! They are beautiful and very arty though, quite the testament to the photographer, I think. It was a very positive experience, I felt very empowered afterwards, even if a little cold - lying on a cold concrete floor wearing precisely nothing is not particularly warming, you know! My muscles ached like buggery afterwards as well from all the unnatural poses I was holding - I ached for about 2 weeks in places I didn't even know I had places! Totally worth it though :)
Last night the Nerd Tower played host to the beginning of the lovely Nicola's Vampire campaign, which looks like it is going to be really very good - despite all the buffoonery and general silliness that occurs in any roleplaying game in which you let this particular group of nerds participate... good times :)
Anyway my lovelies, that is all from me - I must be away, there are some woodland creatures that need my assistance - I really shouldn't answer the Pixie Phone this early in the morning.
Satisfied Pixie Out
xxx
Friday, 29 January 2010
I'm in the band, though not necessarily on the wagon
Well it seems only right that I should jump on the slightly drunken bandwagon of justice and commit to record my ten garage cars of choice... though I must admit, these fall very much under the 'mode of transport' division rather than being actual cars.
That said, I do have a couple of actual factual cars in my 10 car garage of awesome and win... the first of which being this...
Jaguar E Type - of course I would just keep the lovely lovely body work in British Racing Green (obviously) and replace the inner workings with something that starts when I want it to and stops when I want it to... and, you know, goes hella fast and that... speaking of which...
Suzuki Bandit 1500 R .... can I get a varoooooooooom?!?!!? I have always wanted this bike... I covet this shiney little death trap... oh how I covet it so...mmmmm delicious!
Triumph Spitfire MkII - in much the same vein as the Jag, I want the shell kept and the innards replaced with modern technology that works and goes fast... however, unlike the Jag... the Spitfire MUST be in bright gaudy yellow...
Alec Issigonis once designed the most horrific car in the world... ever... but he also made these little puppies and I love them ... little car for a little girl... hella nippy though :)I even like the new style Mini...
Harley Davidson Nighthawk.... mat black sex on wheels... varooooooommmmm nomnomnom!
K.I.T.T.... I. want. this. car. ... I want this car as voiced by Val Kilmer... man has a sexy voice ... and car has many gadgets that make pixie happy :)
Yeee hah! ... It's the General Lee... God Bless the Confederacaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!!
This was the Pontiac Trans AM from Smokey and the Bandit... but then Captain Barbeque and Mr Ben reminded me of the wonder that is the Mystery Machine... and here it is in all it's ridiculous glory
So you thought my choices so far were silly?.... get a load of these next two:
This bad boy is just too cool to allow a whole picture of him... he would just break your minds with his awesomeness.... ah to ride around on the back of a dragon... of course I would require some kind of chain mail bikini, furs and large swords.... grrrrr... warrior pixie!!!!
And Finally...
Meet Hercules, the liger.... I shall put armour and a saddle on him and ride him around like Battlecat... now that would be a sight to behold! I actually also like the idea of having a London bus in my garage... but that takes me up to 11... and only Spinal Tap are cool enough to pull that off!
You can all shut up!!!
That said, I do have a couple of actual factual cars in my 10 car garage of awesome and win... the first of which being this...
Jaguar E Type - of course I would just keep the lovely lovely body work in British Racing Green (obviously) and replace the inner workings with something that starts when I want it to and stops when I want it to... and, you know, goes hella fast and that... speaking of which...
Suzuki Bandit 1500 R .... can I get a varoooooooooom?!?!!? I have always wanted this bike... I covet this shiney little death trap... oh how I covet it so...mmmmm delicious!
Triumph Spitfire MkII - in much the same vein as the Jag, I want the shell kept and the innards replaced with modern technology that works and goes fast... however, unlike the Jag... the Spitfire MUST be in bright gaudy yellow...
Alec Issigonis once designed the most horrific car in the world... ever... but he also made these little puppies and I love them ... little car for a little girl... hella nippy though :)I even like the new style Mini...
Harley Davidson Nighthawk.... mat black sex on wheels... varooooooommmmm nomnomnom!
K.I.T.T.... I. want. this. car. ... I want this car as voiced by Val Kilmer... man has a sexy voice ... and car has many gadgets that make pixie happy :)
Yeee hah! ... It's the General Lee... God Bless the Confederacaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!!
This was the Pontiac Trans AM from Smokey and the Bandit... but then Captain Barbeque and Mr Ben reminded me of the wonder that is the Mystery Machine... and here it is in all it's ridiculous glory
So you thought my choices so far were silly?.... get a load of these next two:
This bad boy is just too cool to allow a whole picture of him... he would just break your minds with his awesomeness.... ah to ride around on the back of a dragon... of course I would require some kind of chain mail bikini, furs and large swords.... grrrrr... warrior pixie!!!!
And Finally...
Meet Hercules, the liger.... I shall put armour and a saddle on him and ride him around like Battlecat... now that would be a sight to behold! I actually also like the idea of having a London bus in my garage... but that takes me up to 11... and only Spinal Tap are cool enough to pull that off!
You can all shut up!!!
Sunday, 24 January 2010
You give a little love....
I have had the most wonderful birthday weekend and I would just like to thank everyone who made it so special.
I am blessed to have such beautiful people in my life.
I love you guys.... that is all.
Happy Pixe Out
I am blessed to have such beautiful people in my life.
I love you guys.... that is all.
Happy Pixe Out
Thursday, 7 January 2010
...and don't it feel good...
Firstly, a big thank you to the fabulous Ms Cat and Mr Ben for allowing me to surf their sofa this week, feeding me, driving me around, helping me work out where things are in this city paved with kebabs and generally looking after me while I navigate my first week at work.
So far my working week has run as follows:
- Day 1. Start at 10 - spend the day sorting out the office, climbing over and under tables moving computers, setting up phones, faxes and printers, fiddling about in the server - made the school boy error of knowing things about IT and have probably therefore secured my future as office IT guru, especially since the actual IT department is based in London - I see my job remit changing quite quickly - poop. Allowed to leave early due to sheer chilliness of the office - meet Ms Cat from work where she brings me a cup of steamy hot coffee and takes me shopping to acquire things for my new flat using the guilt money my Dad gave me for Christmas - terribly successful trip - woop!
- Day2. Start going through worker files - still not quite figured out what my job actually entails but getting there slowly - Boss buys us lunch and sympathises with me about my marital situation - it's like she actually cares about her workers - amazing. Spend the evening with the Frenchy picking up some of my stuff from Bath and taking it to the new flat - very painful few minutes spent with the curly one. Then pub to discuss some house rules with Captain Barbeque and the Frenchy - the overriding rule seems to be 'don't be a dick' with a few small amendments to include such things as 'never take anything Dom says literally' and 'we must steal a beer mat from every pub we visit'... these are all rules we can live by I think
- Day 3. Boss calls at 7.30am to say that she is closing the office today and we should work from home and gives me a bunch of research to do - begin the research at about 10 after a nice long shower and a bucket of coffee - have to call boss at about 11.30 to tell her that the net has been disconnected in the flat and as such I can't do any work - she is very cool about the whole thing... I know it's early days but I think she may be the best boss in the world. Spend the rest of the day watching Frisky Dingo - which may well be the best cartoon since the Venture Brothers - and distracting Mr Ben from doing any work... Ms Cat comes home, eats the yummy food Ben made and falls asleep like a cute little kitten on the couch... Ben and I decide that there simply isn't enough booze in the house and as such a further trip to the pub is warranted - we bond over a couple of jars, how pathetic and cynical we are and how much we miss the 90s
- Day 4. Office still closed - researching government legislation and waiting for a phone call from my boss - concentration levels reached saturation point for both Ben and I and we spent a good 25 minutes watching an old woman attempt to de-ice her car and drive away ... so invested were we in this woman's exploits that when she eventually made it out of the space we cheered! Nevertheless we have both been working very hard - although I do seem to find myself blogging during work hours - these habits are so hard to get out of...Hoping to get the rest of my stuff this evening but very reliant on the weather and the Germanic efficiency of everyone's favourite national socialist...
- Day 5. Has yet to occur and even I cannot predict the future of my own life but the office is re-opening and I am hoping to move in to the flat and start making it look like a girl lives there too before it is turned in to a GW warehouse... I have enlisted the help of the Ginge for heavy lifting, excessive moaning and tea making - hopefully by the time the boys move in next weekend, the place will look lovely - or at least my room will :)
Looks like the pieces of my slightly broken life are starting to fall in to place with a little help from my truly wonderful friends - I love you guys.
This is for you my temporary roomies ...
Gratefulpixie out
So far my working week has run as follows:
- Day 1. Start at 10 - spend the day sorting out the office, climbing over and under tables moving computers, setting up phones, faxes and printers, fiddling about in the server - made the school boy error of knowing things about IT and have probably therefore secured my future as office IT guru, especially since the actual IT department is based in London - I see my job remit changing quite quickly - poop. Allowed to leave early due to sheer chilliness of the office - meet Ms Cat from work where she brings me a cup of steamy hot coffee and takes me shopping to acquire things for my new flat using the guilt money my Dad gave me for Christmas - terribly successful trip - woop!
- Day2. Start going through worker files - still not quite figured out what my job actually entails but getting there slowly - Boss buys us lunch and sympathises with me about my marital situation - it's like she actually cares about her workers - amazing. Spend the evening with the Frenchy picking up some of my stuff from Bath and taking it to the new flat - very painful few minutes spent with the curly one. Then pub to discuss some house rules with Captain Barbeque and the Frenchy - the overriding rule seems to be 'don't be a dick' with a few small amendments to include such things as 'never take anything Dom says literally' and 'we must steal a beer mat from every pub we visit'... these are all rules we can live by I think
- Day 3. Boss calls at 7.30am to say that she is closing the office today and we should work from home and gives me a bunch of research to do - begin the research at about 10 after a nice long shower and a bucket of coffee - have to call boss at about 11.30 to tell her that the net has been disconnected in the flat and as such I can't do any work - she is very cool about the whole thing... I know it's early days but I think she may be the best boss in the world. Spend the rest of the day watching Frisky Dingo - which may well be the best cartoon since the Venture Brothers - and distracting Mr Ben from doing any work... Ms Cat comes home, eats the yummy food Ben made and falls asleep like a cute little kitten on the couch... Ben and I decide that there simply isn't enough booze in the house and as such a further trip to the pub is warranted - we bond over a couple of jars, how pathetic and cynical we are and how much we miss the 90s
- Day 4. Office still closed - researching government legislation and waiting for a phone call from my boss - concentration levels reached saturation point for both Ben and I and we spent a good 25 minutes watching an old woman attempt to de-ice her car and drive away ... so invested were we in this woman's exploits that when she eventually made it out of the space we cheered! Nevertheless we have both been working very hard - although I do seem to find myself blogging during work hours - these habits are so hard to get out of...Hoping to get the rest of my stuff this evening but very reliant on the weather and the Germanic efficiency of everyone's favourite national socialist...
- Day 5. Has yet to occur and even I cannot predict the future of my own life but the office is re-opening and I am hoping to move in to the flat and start making it look like a girl lives there too before it is turned in to a GW warehouse... I have enlisted the help of the Ginge for heavy lifting, excessive moaning and tea making - hopefully by the time the boys move in next weekend, the place will look lovely - or at least my room will :)
Looks like the pieces of my slightly broken life are starting to fall in to place with a little help from my truly wonderful friends - I love you guys.
This is for you my temporary roomies ...
Gratefulpixie out
