Do My Little Kookie Dance

Hello kittens

I have realised that, the last post notwithstanding, my blog has become something akin to posting downward angled, pouty mobile phone photos of myself wearing far too much black eyeliner, surrounded by Twilight memorabilia on to fan fic forums entitled 'I luv Edward Cullen more than u do... I can prove it cuz I cut myself and have tatz of his face on my skin to show him my luv'...

or somesuch...

In fact so insufferably self absorbed have I become in my rantings that even my 14 year old, desperately insecure, gawky, awkward self is cringing at the awfulness of it all...

So in my 30 year old, desperately insecure, gawky and awkward fashion, I have decided to bloody well stop it!

Bring on the whimsy... awwwww FUCK yeah!!!!

Here goes....

Since we last touched base things have happened... things that have made me pull this face...



Things that have made Ben pull this face...


It is important to note that these faces are not directly related to the same incident... though for comedy purposes, let's pretend they were :)

My birthday was smashing - although it does appear to now have been a very long time ago... so long in fact that in the ensuing 3 weeks - I seem to have become old... and thus, delightfully crotchety (it's delightful when you're old... just damned rude when you're young... I fucking love being old!)

The weekend saw the Lovely Mr Ben, The Boy and I hitting local popular watering hole, The Croft in order to conduct a social experiment where we attempted to fit in with the hipster kids ... and while the other two may just about be able to pull it off... largely because one of them has the face of a 12 year old and the other one is about 12 years old, I struggled a little to begin with... the first band was brilliant but their groupies, with their terribly fashionable, if a little stupid, hair and their incredibly tight, if a little sterilising, trousers did NOT look old enough to be in there... they should have been home, tucked up in bunk beds with Mr Men pyjamas and warm milk... not out drinking and partying and ceremoniously nodding their heads to the loud noises that their really rather talented musical deities were churning out... Or was it simply that I was now too old to be there... maybe I should have been home, tucked up in bed with a warm coco and an increasingly right wing periodical, bemoaning the youth of today...

This feeling persisted until I went outside for my first cigarette break of the evening, upon which I happened upon two trendy looking fellows in their late 20's who seemed to be loudly sharing my feelings... and as a consequence of the next few hours spent intermittently talking with them about kids and their silly hair cuts and generally acting like drunken (yet mature and sophisticated) bafoons, I felt much better about myself... ah collusion is a wonderful thing.

So... essentially I think what I'm trying to say is that I like being old... or at least older... and I think I'm looking forward to being even older...I don't like being grumpy... and I have lots of things to smile about... so I'm gonna...




Fuck you emo me... you've just been rabbit punched in the tit by all powerful Whimsical and Bawdy elderly me....Ha!!!


In the grand scheme of things, pretty good with my lot Pixie out

Are You Gonna Go My Way?

Over the New Year period there was some discussion of my slightly odd persuasion toward a certain Wookie...

In the few short days that have followed the New Year celebrations (which were fantastic btw, even if I did have to wear a flouncy frock and look like an actual girl whilst simultaneously being awed at my capacity for fruity cocktail consumption) mention of the object of my affection has been made on more than one occassion on my usual internet forays....

I think it must be a sign... clearly I have to travel to Kashyyyk to track down his family and find out what skanky bar he's hanging out in now... maybe I could get in good with his mother while I'm there and they will accept me as one of their own and I can live the rest of my life as a Wookie Princess, whittling the future or whatever it is they do....

In the meantime, I'm going to share with you my Wookie related findings... because they amuse me ....




Despite my protestations to the contrary, Ben still believes this graph to depict actual fact...


"I will unzip your skin and wear it like a little coat"... or I will roll around on it in my underwear... you know, depending on my mood



Also... let the Wookie win....


And finally, I cannot find a copyable picture of this so you will all have to go check it out for yourselves... Chewbacca riding a squirrel and battling Nazis... I shit you not... it may be the most awesome thing I have ever seen... maybe.

Wookie Loving Pixie Out



P.S. Also, I want this... though it has nothing to do with Wookies... at all... this may also be the most awesome thing I have ever seen... maybe.



It's like having a deity sucking on your brain... so many kinds of win!

Holiday in Cambodia

I am now officially unemployed...

Whilst I realise that this should fill me with fear and dread about not being able to pay my rent (and there is certainly an element of that - especially when I actually think about it) I'm still vastly more relaxed than I have been for months.

Clearly this is quite telling of my state of mind of late and the sheer levels of ridiculous disproportionate stress I have placed myself under... stupid girl...

My last few days were spent compiling a comprehensive document entitled 'Where Bex has Hidden Everything' ... when you actually have to sit there and write down what you do every day so someone else can understand it, it makes you realise just exactly how complicated it all is and just how much of it there is... so perhaps it's ok that I couldn't do it all perfectly... of course it would have been helpful to have worked this out before it sent me a bit bonkers... ah well... live and learn I guess... apparently the wise man learns from his mistakes...

So I am now hunting for other jobs... including applying for support worker jobs with the company I worked for until Friday.... I filled out all of their silly paper work today and have a whole world of training I need to be doing in the next few days... unfortunately because I've spent the last year judging other people on the quality of their paper work, mine now has to be perfect... which of course, it is :)

I have young Mr Hollis teaching me the ways of being gainfully unemployed, which I'm hoping will yield some results soon and I won't be left destitute on the streets in this weather!

In other news I'm spending Christmas with Ben's family which I'm rather anticipating will be filled with food, booze and outlandish cheating at board games... it'll be the first family Christmas I've had for about 7 years... I think I've forgotten how to do them... fitting into other people's traditions is always slightly stressful but luckily his family is lovely... so hopefully I will be ok... eep!

Right, enough of this time-wastery... I have a job to find.

Merry Christmas lovely people - have this as a gift... enjoy your childish wonder... ignore what the mean kids tell you... they're just mean because they'll be getting coal for Christmas.

Festive Pixie out

This is the end... beautiful friend

So my last day at work is next Friday... after that I will officially be unemployed ... oh dear.

The abject 'dear God I can't afford to pay my rent' panic has not quite set in yet... it will... very soon... but at the moment I'm still in the 'just make it through this last week' mode with a side helping of being very ill... there is a chance I may even have full on proper flu... I'm hoping it's just a horribly fevered cold and not anything more sinister... but my God I feel proper rotten.

I went to work yesterday feeling quite poorly, lost my voice by the time I got to work making me almost utterly useless and then had a seizure, making me fully useless... I went home and slept...and slept...and sweated...and slept... and coughed... and slept... and mostly kept Ben awake by sweating and coughing...

This morning I was up at 7.15 to go to work again (yes it is a Saturday) feeling utterly wretched... that mucus monster is out to get me again...

On the plus side, the news of my resignation was taken very well... my boss was really very lovely about the whole thing and the general concensus is that I will be missed but that my decision is being respected and that recruitment really isn't the right world for me. The notion of me either going back to school or getting some kind of support work role was met with rounds of approval... though I'm not sure she entirely believes I don't have another job to go to...

The lovely Mr Ben bought me flowers to say 'well done' and that he was proud of me for doing something so incredibly stupid ... I think my stupidity may be rubbing off on him... I'm not sure it's appropriate to buy flowers to say 'well done for quitting your job even though you don't have another one to go to and you may end up struggling to pay your rent next month'... nevertheless they were very gratefully received...maybe Hallmark could do a line on 'Congratulations, you've done something screamingly dumb' greetings cards!

So now I'm sitting at work blogging because I'm too ill to do anything meaningful and praying that the training will finish early so I can go home and go to bed before my head explodes, my back gives out, the mucus devours me whole, or something equally delightful occurs... blergh...

I shall keep you updated on my employment situation (because I like to think you care), though I very much doubt anything meaningful will happen before Christmas... so I'm just going to try and enjoy it and not think about the impending doom for a week or so at least!

Denial Pixie Out... cough, splutter... "I gots the black lung Pop"

Floating Upstream

It seems that I have been very wrong about this year... I started the year believing it was a new beginning, a fresh start, on to bigger and better things...

In retrospect, what it has been is a transitional year... not a new start but the end of some things, the consideration of others and indeed the beginning of even more.

Bob and I are now officially divorced - we even spoke last weekend - he called me... to say goodbye I think, more than anything else...
I cried... a lot... but it was good to speak with him and it be friendly... I'm very happy for him that he has a new girlfriend and seems to be doing something with his art work... may be one day we'll be able to be in the same place at the same time and it not be awful... it felt like a little bit of closure

I have been given this week to 'think about my future' within the company... I'm spending it worrying, trying to minimise my expenditure and looking for other jobs... I'm not what they need and this job is not what I need...

What I have realised is that a 'career' is not as important to me as I thought it was... if I cannot work as a counsellor until I have finished my training and I cannot finish my training until I have lots of money and lots of free time, then it doesn't really matter what I do for a living... if I can pay my bills and have enough money left over for beer and fags then that's ok...
I think I've finally worked out what is important to me... and a career isn't it...

The ones I love are important... getting a little joy out of life is important... being able to help other people with their problems because I'm not so wrapped up in my own, is important... wearing a suit to work and building the business... that's not important...

Even though when I go back to work next week, I'm going to throw away the only opportunity for a career I've ever had, I think that's ok... my measure of success has changed dramatically in the last year...

It doesn't matter what you do for a living as long as you're happy

So while this year has been a transitional year, perhaps next year will be the new start ... or perhaps it won't... but that's ok too...

I have a wonderful man, wonderful friends, wonderful family... everything else is really just secondary... and it will fall in to place.... eventually.

I love you guys

Epiphany Pixie Out

Anyone Can Play Guitar

So it seems that my worst fears have been realised and I've been discovered as a fraud and a charlatan...

Despite previous ramblings to the contrary, the powers that be at work have discovered that I am not in fact very good at my job... well... to clarify, I'm good at some bits of my job but utterly useless at the other bits... notably, the bits that make the company money or help it to grow as a viable business...

In the big 'team meeting' this week, I was told that were I not so awesome and brilliant at the bit of my job that essentially spends the company's money, they would struggle to know what to do with me... and given the recent shake ups that have been happening in the wider company (and my generally hightened state of heart attack inducing anxiety), I took that fairly badly... observe...

What was actually said:
"Bex, we really need you to be doing XYZ, it is obvious that you are really struggling with this, it makes you very uncomfortable and fairly unhappy and what we really need to be doing is focusing on generating revenue and playing to our worker's strengths. You are exceptional at ABC but were you not so exceptional at ABC I would really struggle to know what to do with you - when the training takes off I think you'll be exceptional and happy there too, but that won't be for a while - you're really more of an organiser and resourcer than a recruitment consultant or even an administrator, which is what we really need at this point - so essentially what we'll be doing is bringing someone in to generate business while you do the resourcing - obviously this will mean that the pay rise we promised you for the job you're meant to be doing won't be coming your way because you won't be doing that job - we will be changing your job title asap... that'll be better for everyone and make you more happy, won't it?"

What I heard:
"You're a bit useless really aren't you? You had us fooled for a while there but now, you're about a gnat's cock away from getting your useless, incapable of generating an income, lack of business acumen ass sacked... honestly, what do you think you're playing at? What have you actually been doing? No career or glowing prospects for you any more... I'll just take those back, thank you very much... Justify your existence... puny human... muhahahahaha"

What I said in response:
"Sniffle...erm...yes... sniffle... no no I don't disagree with anything you've said... sniffle sniffle... no no really, I'm not a recruitment consultant... snif snif... sob sob ... bawl...wail... weep... sob... *uncontrollable childlike sobbing infront of boss*... I'm sorry..."

How I now feel:
GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This happened on Wednesday, since then I've been mulling over everything and have come to the not particularly startling conclusion that I AM NOT A RECRUITMENT CONSULTANT... I have no desire to be a recruitment consultant, the only reason I took this job was because I needed a job in Bristol and it was in generally my field of interest (also it was better paid than the job I actually applied for)

So I now have no idea what to do... I love the people I work with, I like and respect the people I work for and can really see their vision and ethos for the future of the business working...if I weren't dragging them down... I should be counselling or working with kids or being a fusty academic or something... I just can't work in the world of business where turnover is the focus... I can't bear it... but I fear it may be impossible to escape it... and at the moment I can't see any feasible way of getting where I feel I should be...

...help...

In other news:
* Grandma's dying - she's gone in to renal failure and has about 6 months to live
* I have just signed my final lot of divorce papers
* My epilepsy appears to be getting worse - I'm putting it down to anxiety levels rather than anything more sinister
* My anxiety levels are such that I predict my own heart failure related death in about 10 years
* Ben has now seen me cry... and dealt with it perfectly
* It's Matt *insert degrading Facism related comment here* Smith's birthday party today and I intend to burn things and get very very drunk
* This made me laugh




See you all in the world

Confused and anxious Pixie Out

Shake my Tomb

I have a new minion at work.... and I finally got the shoes I've coveted for months and months to match my new status of having 2 minions...

According to my boss I'm managing the new boy very well (yes, that's right - a boy) - he's a bit weird and talks to himself a bit and also he's Welsh... but we are an equal opportunities employer so we can look past these kind of disabilities and treat him as an equal.

Under my expert tutiledge he's picking things up quickly, which with any luck will go some way to making my life a little easier... or at least making it as difficult as it has been all along since I now have insane targets to meet... ahhhh!!!!

On the one had I'm being praised for my patience and understanding with the new boy but on the other I'm being told I need to be more of a rotweiller to get things done... I have no idea where to start with that... I figure I'm going to go with puppy rotweiller to start with and see how my boss copes with me chewing on her best shoes and pooping on the floor...


In other news, Mr Ben and I went to a most splendid wedding (I even put a frock on) - two of my oldest friends in the world got married - finally - they've been together since we were 16 (aside from about 6 months whilst we were all at university - but no one talks about that). Vast quantities of beer and pig meat were consumed, shapes were thrown in the church of dance and my gay friends continued their efforts to turn Ben over to the dark side... I'd like to think they were fighting a losing battle... but then I'd like to think a great many things...

I spent a lovely few days with Mr Ben's parents - I say lovely, what I mean is, I spent 3 days battling spiders the size of my face, unearthing terrifying gribblies from the deep and playing with sledgehammers and axes... nevertheless, his family are adorable and apparently are 'quite taken' with me... which is nice...



I also chose that few days to have a minor melt down about the whole divorce thing... it seems I haven't dealt with it at all and this has given me furiously to think and get angry and cry and think some more and cry a bit more and generally over-analyse every aspect of my life - such is my way...

Ultimately, it seems that despite being a highly trained communicator - I'm completely incabable of communicating with anyone close to me about anything even remotely negative. It occurred to me that in the whole time I was in that relationship I lost my temper twice - the first time he laughed at me and the second time it was too late to make any difference... if I'd been more forthecoming about my feelings, perhaps it would have made a difference. If I'd even once said how desperately unhappy I was or how seethingly angry I was with him before things got really bad, perhaps it would have given him the opportunity to change his ways and I wouldn't now be getting divorced and a whole bunch of people wouldn't hate me. I was and remain, horribly cowardly.

I started this blog as a form of marriage guidance, somewhere to express things that I couldn't express in a more meaningful way - and possibly get a bit of advice along the way... I failed.

Nevertheless it is done - my decree absolute should be coming through the post very soon and I need to move on.

So in an effort to make amends with the communication gods and learn from my mistakes - I have something to say:






Ben Brooks - I love you.

That is all.

Pixie Out