I am now officially unemployed...
Whilst I realise that this should fill me with fear and dread about not being able to pay my rent (and there is certainly an element of that - especially when I actually think about it) I'm still vastly more relaxed than I have been for months.
Clearly this is quite telling of my state of mind of late and the sheer levels of ridiculous disproportionate stress I have placed myself under... stupid girl...
My last few days were spent compiling a comprehensive document entitled 'Where Bex has Hidden Everything' ... when you actually have to sit there and write down what you do every day so someone else can understand it, it makes you realise just exactly how complicated it all is and just how much of it there is... so perhaps it's ok that I couldn't do it all perfectly... of course it would have been helpful to have worked this out before it sent me a bit bonkers... ah well... live and learn I guess... apparently the wise man learns from his mistakes...
So I am now hunting for other jobs... including applying for support worker jobs with the company I worked for until Friday.... I filled out all of their silly paper work today and have a whole world of training I need to be doing in the next few days... unfortunately because I've spent the last year judging other people on the quality of their paper work, mine now has to be perfect... which of course, it is :)
I have young Mr Hollis teaching me the ways of being gainfully unemployed, which I'm hoping will yield some results soon and I won't be left destitute on the streets in this weather!
In other news I'm spending Christmas with Ben's family which I'm rather anticipating will be filled with food, booze and outlandish cheating at board games... it'll be the first family Christmas I've had for about 7 years... I think I've forgotten how to do them... fitting into other people's traditions is always slightly stressful but luckily his family is lovely... so hopefully I will be ok... eep!
Right, enough of this time-wastery... I have a job to find.
Merry Christmas lovely people - have this as a gift... enjoy your childish wonder... ignore what the mean kids tell you... they're just mean because they'll be getting coal for Christmas.
Festive Pixie out
Monday, 20 December 2010
Saturday, 11 December 2010
This is the end... beautiful friend
So my last day at work is next Friday... after that I will officially be unemployed ... oh dear.
The abject 'dear God I can't afford to pay my rent' panic has not quite set in yet... it will... very soon... but at the moment I'm still in the 'just make it through this last week' mode with a side helping of being very ill... there is a chance I may even have full on proper flu... I'm hoping it's just a horribly fevered cold and not anything more sinister... but my God I feel proper rotten.
I went to work yesterday feeling quite poorly, lost my voice by the time I got to work making me almost utterly useless and then had a seizure, making me fully useless... I went home and slept...and slept...and sweated...and slept... and coughed... and slept... and mostly kept Ben awake by sweating and coughing...
This morning I was up at 7.15 to go to work again (yes it is a Saturday) feeling utterly wretched... that mucus monster is out to get me again...
On the plus side, the news of my resignation was taken very well... my boss was really very lovely about the whole thing and the general concensus is that I will be missed but that my decision is being respected and that recruitment really isn't the right world for me. The notion of me either going back to school or getting some kind of support work role was met with rounds of approval... though I'm not sure she entirely believes I don't have another job to go to...
The lovely Mr Ben bought me flowers to say 'well done' and that he was proud of me for doing something so incredibly stupid ... I think my stupidity may be rubbing off on him... I'm not sure it's appropriate to buy flowers to say 'well done for quitting your job even though you don't have another one to go to and you may end up struggling to pay your rent next month'... nevertheless they were very gratefully received...maybe Hallmark could do a line on 'Congratulations, you've done something screamingly dumb' greetings cards!
So now I'm sitting at work blogging because I'm too ill to do anything meaningful and praying that the training will finish early so I can go home and go to bed before my head explodes, my back gives out, the mucus devours me whole, or something equally delightful occurs... blergh...
I shall keep you updated on my employment situation (because I like to think you care), though I very much doubt anything meaningful will happen before Christmas... so I'm just going to try and enjoy it and not think about the impending doom for a week or so at least!
Denial Pixie Out... cough, splutter... "I gots the black lung Pop"
The abject 'dear God I can't afford to pay my rent' panic has not quite set in yet... it will... very soon... but at the moment I'm still in the 'just make it through this last week' mode with a side helping of being very ill... there is a chance I may even have full on proper flu... I'm hoping it's just a horribly fevered cold and not anything more sinister... but my God I feel proper rotten.
I went to work yesterday feeling quite poorly, lost my voice by the time I got to work making me almost utterly useless and then had a seizure, making me fully useless... I went home and slept...and slept...and sweated...and slept... and coughed... and slept... and mostly kept Ben awake by sweating and coughing...
This morning I was up at 7.15 to go to work again (yes it is a Saturday) feeling utterly wretched... that mucus monster is out to get me again...
On the plus side, the news of my resignation was taken very well... my boss was really very lovely about the whole thing and the general concensus is that I will be missed but that my decision is being respected and that recruitment really isn't the right world for me. The notion of me either going back to school or getting some kind of support work role was met with rounds of approval... though I'm not sure she entirely believes I don't have another job to go to...
The lovely Mr Ben bought me flowers to say 'well done' and that he was proud of me for doing something so incredibly stupid ... I think my stupidity may be rubbing off on him... I'm not sure it's appropriate to buy flowers to say 'well done for quitting your job even though you don't have another one to go to and you may end up struggling to pay your rent next month'... nevertheless they were very gratefully received...maybe Hallmark could do a line on 'Congratulations, you've done something screamingly dumb' greetings cards!
So now I'm sitting at work blogging because I'm too ill to do anything meaningful and praying that the training will finish early so I can go home and go to bed before my head explodes, my back gives out, the mucus devours me whole, or something equally delightful occurs... blergh...
I shall keep you updated on my employment situation (because I like to think you care), though I very much doubt anything meaningful will happen before Christmas... so I'm just going to try and enjoy it and not think about the impending doom for a week or so at least!
Denial Pixie Out... cough, splutter... "I gots the black lung Pop"
Wednesday, 1 December 2010
Floating Upstream
It seems that I have been very wrong about this year... I started the year believing it was a new beginning, a fresh start, on to bigger and better things...
In retrospect, what it has been is a transitional year... not a new start but the end of some things, the consideration of others and indeed the beginning of even more.
Bob and I are now officially divorced - we even spoke last weekend - he called me... to say goodbye I think, more than anything else...
I cried... a lot... but it was good to speak with him and it be friendly... I'm very happy for him that he has a new girlfriend and seems to be doing something with his art work... may be one day we'll be able to be in the same place at the same time and it not be awful... it felt like a little bit of closure
I have been given this week to 'think about my future' within the company... I'm spending it worrying, trying to minimise my expenditure and looking for other jobs... I'm not what they need and this job is not what I need...
What I have realised is that a 'career' is not as important to me as I thought it was... if I cannot work as a counsellor until I have finished my training and I cannot finish my training until I have lots of money and lots of free time, then it doesn't really matter what I do for a living... if I can pay my bills and have enough money left over for beer and fags then that's ok...
I think I've finally worked out what is important to me... and a career isn't it...
The ones I love are important... getting a little joy out of life is important... being able to help other people with their problems because I'm not so wrapped up in my own, is important... wearing a suit to work and building the business... that's not important...
Even though when I go back to work next week, I'm going to throw away the only opportunity for a career I've ever had, I think that's ok... my measure of success has changed dramatically in the last year...
It doesn't matter what you do for a living as long as you're happy
So while this year has been a transitional year, perhaps next year will be the new start ... or perhaps it won't... but that's ok too...
I have a wonderful man, wonderful friends, wonderful family... everything else is really just secondary... and it will fall in to place.... eventually.
I love you guys
Epiphany Pixie Out
In retrospect, what it has been is a transitional year... not a new start but the end of some things, the consideration of others and indeed the beginning of even more.
Bob and I are now officially divorced - we even spoke last weekend - he called me... to say goodbye I think, more than anything else...
I cried... a lot... but it was good to speak with him and it be friendly... I'm very happy for him that he has a new girlfriend and seems to be doing something with his art work... may be one day we'll be able to be in the same place at the same time and it not be awful... it felt like a little bit of closure
I have been given this week to 'think about my future' within the company... I'm spending it worrying, trying to minimise my expenditure and looking for other jobs... I'm not what they need and this job is not what I need...
What I have realised is that a 'career' is not as important to me as I thought it was... if I cannot work as a counsellor until I have finished my training and I cannot finish my training until I have lots of money and lots of free time, then it doesn't really matter what I do for a living... if I can pay my bills and have enough money left over for beer and fags then that's ok...
I think I've finally worked out what is important to me... and a career isn't it...
The ones I love are important... getting a little joy out of life is important... being able to help other people with their problems because I'm not so wrapped up in my own, is important... wearing a suit to work and building the business... that's not important...
Even though when I go back to work next week, I'm going to throw away the only opportunity for a career I've ever had, I think that's ok... my measure of success has changed dramatically in the last year...
It doesn't matter what you do for a living as long as you're happy
So while this year has been a transitional year, perhaps next year will be the new start ... or perhaps it won't... but that's ok too...
I have a wonderful man, wonderful friends, wonderful family... everything else is really just secondary... and it will fall in to place.... eventually.
I love you guys
Epiphany Pixie Out
