The Legitimate Christmas Movie

Alternative Title: Slack? Perhaps... On Holiday?.. Most definitely!

A very belated Yule to you all ...and a pre-emptive Happy New Year! I hope that 2009 brings you all the lovely cosmic chaos you could possibly wish for and we all come out the other end wiser and stronger for the experience.

I am on sabatical from the hell hole at the moment so the desire to do anything other than mong infront of the telly and consume enormous amounts of food and booze has withered and died as is the way with any good festive season... so I apologise for not having updated for an age, I know how you all clammer round your glowing screens waiting for the oracle to impart some fresh words of wisdom in to your otherwise directionless lives... but sadly my lovelies, the oracle is too smashed to co-operate...

So as a consolation prize you get to have me talk about something I like for a change... something I really really love...

The Christmas Movie!

*pauses for gasps of shock and awe*

"But No!" I hear you cry "How could one so cynical be such a big sucker for the schmoltz of the Christmas Movie?"... fear not my intrepid brethren... I am still the same cynical, jaded, slightly squiffy biatch you all know and love... for it is not the 'Traditional' Christmas Movie of which I speak...

Sure, I enjoy a good 'A Christmas Carol' or 'It's a Wonderful Life' as much as the next girl when I'm all caught up in the winter wonderland of festivities ... however the movies I am talking about have caused people who do not know me well to raise an eyebrow or indeed just plain laugh when I try to champion them as legitimate Christmas movies... this year it was brought home to me just how important it is to me that they are recongnised as legitimate Christmas movies and therefore to be watched with the family over Christmas lunch....

Christmas Eve generally sees the Curly One and I adopting our usual place upon the sofa to watch our traditional Christmas Eve Movie, Tim Burton's "The Nightmare Before Christmas"... this year however, this did not happen... the man was not up for it and frankly, if it wasn't to be a traditional watching then it just wasn't going to happen... apparently the traditions that we have developed over the last few years are important to me... who knew I was such a traditionalist?!?!...so slightly dis-spirited I searched for alternative viewing pleasures...

Then it hit me... what are the two best Christmas Movies ever made ever?

Die Hard and Lethal Weapon... of course... Christmas was now complete!

Ridiculous amounts of delicious food - check.
Eyesight slightly damaged by alcohol intake - check.
Presents played with and strewn about the floor - check.
Best Festive movies ever - check!

I ask you my friends, to aid me in championing these two Titans of the Christmas movie as they fight for legitimacy - bollocks to the Queen's speech - let's watch Bruce and Mel doing their thing over lunch with Granny - you know she'd secretly love it....

Yipee Kai Ey Mother Fucker!

And I am most definitely not too old for this shit!

Last Post Strikes Reaction

Alternative Title: There isn't one... so there!

Not feeling funny today but this is...and it is fitting with the last post... enjoy!

Pixie out

What the Fuck is Wrong with People?

Alternative Title: Christmas Shopping is for Nut Jobs... FACT!

I braved the streets of Bath today in an attempt to get some Christmas shopping done... foolish I know, what with it being a Saturday and so close to Christmas and everything but I am so vastly disorganised and unprepared this year that I had no choice... I knew it would be hellish, I knew it would be full of slow moving old people, innappropriately placed tourists, stressed parents, irritating children and well... cunts...

It would seem that I was correct.

The Hellmouth had truly opened up and was spewing forth the nastiest of nasty Christmas demons for me to ward off with a neatly placed clothes line smack down or sly little side step... which of course I managed to carry off with grace and decorum as in everything I do...

Essentially I plugged myself in to my generic MP3 player and had Muse's back catalogue playing at deafening levels thereby deadening at least one of my senses making it easier for me to focus and not whig out when fuck tards think it is acceptable behaviour to stop right in front of me to take pictures of the fucking Abbey, halting pedestrian traffic and causing a bottle neck to occur... amazingly, I found this quite amusing. I was actually smiling to myself while everyone around me seemed to be getting more and more stressed and stroppy... I strolled through the streets, aware that I was not on any kind of time limit... I live here and had walked into town and therefore did not have to worry about my extortionately priced parking ticket running out...so I had enough time to wait for people to walk past with push chairs, to get out of the way when people were trying to get on a bus, to wait in a queue, to not throw myself infront of an oncoming car in a desperate rush to get to a shop on the other side of the road... in fact I was able to conduct myself like a reasonable human being... which leads me to the question.... WHY THE FUCK WAS NO ONE ELSE ABLE TO DO THE SAME?!?!?!

What is it about this time of year that turns usually unassuming, mild mannered, Renault driving, beige slack wearing, 2.4, middle class normals into frenzied, wild eyed, crazy haired, consumer junkies?... Why do we place so much value on consumerism at this time of year?... Don't worry, I'm not about to go on some "true meaning of Christmas" rant here... because frankly it's been done to death and also... I like presents...

I also like a good excuse to eat my body weight in food and consume more booze in the space of 2 days than would be socially acceptable for the rest of the year combined...

I just wonder why this time of the year sends people so fucking mental... I'm sure I could use my vast Psych training to surmise some crap about social group influence and crowd mentality and such... but still the whole thing is just mental... that's my professional opinion... it's just mental...it's Gorilla Grod's plan to turn the whole world into Apes mental, it's Aqua Man marrying a woman without gills mental, it's Uwe Boll being allowed to live, let alone make movies mental...that's how mental this time of year makes people and no amount of Psych training prepares you for it... not at all!

Nonetheless I managed to get some actual shopping done, braved the hoardes of demon possessed crazies and enter a couple of besieged shops armed only with my credit card and a swagger...this worked well ... for a while... then I decided to go in to a mainstream high street store... big mistake apparently!

Apparently tourists like to congregate in doorways in large impassable groups, women with push chairs like to run over my fucking feet with their spawn filled evil machines, men carrying perfume for their wives/mistresses like to barge past small, lone women, knocking them in to old people who move too slowly to get out of the fucking way and nasty little children like to wipe their grubby paws over the merchandise making it sticky to the touch...

I may have lost my cool a little bit at this point and made a swift(ish) exit... to smoke heavily and get disapproving looks from sour faced old women about the way I look or chose to live or some irrelevant shit, hey at least I didn't just run over your feet with my adorable little devil spawn buggy....I called Cathryn to come to the rescue...which she duly did... because she is a decent human being... and also we've been told we can't talk to each other at work any more (apparently we don't do enough work) and using MSN to talk to someone who is 2 feet away from you is getting tiresome... I needed some quality time with my girl... so she rode in on her white charger (or Fiesta) and took me for coffee, pizza and more cigarettes...which calmed me greatly.....

Of course because I bailed out so early, it does mean I have to go and do it all again next weekend.... bugger!

Oh and erm... Merry Fucking Christmas...or some junk...