So it seems that my worst fears have been realised and I've been discovered as a fraud and a charlatan...
Despite previous ramblings to the contrary, the powers that be at work have discovered that I am not in fact very good at my job... well... to clarify, I'm good at some bits of my job but utterly useless at the other bits... notably, the bits that make the company money or help it to grow as a viable business...
In the big 'team meeting' this week, I was told that were I not so awesome and brilliant at the bit of my job that essentially spends the company's money, they would struggle to know what to do with me... and given the recent shake ups that have been happening in the wider company (and my generally hightened state of heart attack inducing anxiety), I took that fairly badly... observe...
What was actually said:
"Bex, we really need you to be doing XYZ, it is obvious that you are really struggling with this, it makes you very uncomfortable and fairly unhappy and what we really need to be doing is focusing on generating revenue and playing to our worker's strengths. You are exceptional at ABC but were you not so exceptional at ABC I would really struggle to know what to do with you - when the training takes off I think you'll be exceptional and happy there too, but that won't be for a while - you're really more of an organiser and resourcer than a recruitment consultant or even an administrator, which is what we really need at this point - so essentially what we'll be doing is bringing someone in to generate business while you do the resourcing - obviously this will mean that the pay rise we promised you for the job you're meant to be doing won't be coming your way because you won't be doing that job - we will be changing your job title asap... that'll be better for everyone and make you more happy, won't it?"
What I heard:
"You're a bit useless really aren't you? You had us fooled for a while there but now, you're about a gnat's cock away from getting your useless, incapable of generating an income, lack of business acumen ass sacked... honestly, what do you think you're playing at? What have you actually been doing? No career or glowing prospects for you any more... I'll just take those back, thank you very much... Justify your existence... puny human... muhahahahaha"
What I said in response:
"Sniffle...erm...yes... sniffle... no no I don't disagree with anything you've said... sniffle sniffle... no no really, I'm not a recruitment consultant... snif snif... sob sob ... bawl...wail... weep... sob... *uncontrollable childlike sobbing infront of boss*... I'm sorry..."
How I now feel:
This happened on Wednesday, since then I've been mulling over everything and have come to the not particularly startling conclusion that I AM NOT A RECRUITMENT CONSULTANT... I have no desire to be a recruitment consultant, the only reason I took this job was because I needed a job in Bristol and it was in generally my field of interest (also it was better paid than the job I actually applied for)
So I now have no idea what to do... I love the people I work with, I like and respect the people I work for and can really see their vision and ethos for the future of the business working...if I weren't dragging them down... I should be counselling or working with kids or being a fusty academic or something... I just can't work in the world of business where turnover is the focus... I can't bear it... but I fear it may be impossible to escape it... and at the moment I can't see any feasible way of getting where I feel I should be...
In other news:
* Grandma's dying - she's gone in to renal failure and has about 6 months to live
* I have just signed my final lot of divorce papers
* My epilepsy appears to be getting worse - I'm putting it down to anxiety levels rather than anything more sinister
* My anxiety levels are such that I predict my own heart failure related death in about 10 years
* Ben has now seen me cry... and dealt with it perfectly
* It's Matt *insert degrading Facism related comment here* Smith's birthday party today and I intend to burn things and get very very drunk
* This made me laugh
See you all in the world
Confused and anxious Pixie Out