Thursday, 26 November 2009

Being Good Isn't Always Easy

So I didn't get the big gay job that I didn't really want anyway... yet some how I find myself enormously gutted.

While the concept of a blazer, skirt and name tag uniform smooshing down any semblance of personality or sense of style I might have cultivated over the years did upset me greatly, I really need a job!

I did manage to secure my place on the distance learning course I wanted, so in 2 - 3 years I will be a web designer and programmer and with any luck after a few months I will be front line tech support...woop hoot and yey...however, I need a job to finance this course... and my debts... and the rent that the Family need me to pay, which until yesterday had not really been mentioned, seems they, like I, was waiting to see whether I got this job before mentioning the fact that they can't afford to support me... of course they can't... but the feelings of guilt I have been experiencing about sponging off them just got made a whole lot worse yesterday with the mention of that horribly vulgar thing we all crave; money.

I hate money... it is the source of nothing but trouble... stupid, ugly, vulgar... grrrrrrrrrr!

So I have no idea how I'm going to finance anything... going on the game is looking increasingly likely... although I feel I may be too old and saggy to generate much business...damn it!

Still I have my lovelies coming to see me tomorrow and I am soooooooooo looking forward to it ... sleeping arrangements may be a little cosy but luckily we all like each other :)

I think I shall enjoy myself this weekend and then get back to reality on Monday...stupid reality.

Wednesday, 11 November 2009

Have I run too far to get home?

So... the interview... yeah...

Well, I dressed smartly, did my hair smartly (though still brightly coloured at the front) wore a small stud in my nose and bought a smaller stud for my lip, which was cheap and unsurprisingly also so cheaply made that it did not secure properly in my lip and fell out while I was brushing my teeth so I was inadvertantly forced to compromise by those bastard forces of the universe and did not wear a stud in my lip.

I turned up, half an hour early because I got the time wrong despite having written it down correctly... I stumbled over my words in the interview and did not complete the slightly bizarre typing test they set me in the allotted time... the woman interviewing me asked the typical horrible interview questions that no one can answer correctly, the classic "why should we employ you & what are your strengths and weaknesses?" There is NO right answer to that. She also asked me what my plan was with regard to furthering my career... something I was totally unprepared for and had to make up terrible lies on the spot... fudged some bullshit about being interested in their IT department... which is not a total lie but the bit where I said I had a life long dream to be a legal secretary and get banged by the boss over his desk on a regular basis, may have been.

Essentially I came out of it feeling like I was not the sort of person they were looking for and judging by the blue blazers and gold name tags that everyone was wearing, I can't say I was that bothered about it...

Nevertheless this leaves me in a bit of a quandry... no job, no money, no direction... aaaarrrrgggghhh

So I've spent the last couple of days in a bit of a moody haze....

Yesterday some guy from an online IT company calls me about some training that I had registered some interest in and I have a telephone appointment with someone on Tuesday to discuss my options ... having read through all the literature about them that I can get my hands on, no where does it mention the cost of their courses... which worries me somewhat... as much as the thought of web design and programming excites me (yes, I am Queen Geek for a reason) any company that does not display their prices does so for a reason... basically... I can't afford their services...

Then today, feeling slightly better having done some free thinking exercises (always therapeutic) I get a call from the curly one saying he has a job interview... and as I am talking to him I have a call waiting and it is the solicitors office asking me back for a second interview to meet one of the partners, apparently, the office manager thinks that I would fit in really well... fuck me... the other applicants must have been such retarded inbreeds! is looking a little rosier apparently... and admittedly the thought of wearing a blue blazer and a gold name badge does not make me happy, the thought of paying off my debts and saving some money to make a fresh start, does... means to an end, my friend, means to an end... So we will see if I can impress the partners and get me another sucky job that will move me forward in a life that may start to interest me...

Monday: Impress partner of law firm to secure job (having found a suitable yet different outfit from the one I already wore there)
Tuesday: Have phone interview with IT training company in vain attempt to secure qualification that will get me a job I want, while not being able to afford it
Wednesday: Have interview with cripple advisor at job centre to get extra help for going back to wor - yey spazzy brain
Thursday: Mong
Friday: Get drunk

Full week ahead of me next week, no? ... my particular attention will of course be focused on Friday's activities :)

I shall also be mostly looking forward to a visitation from my minions ... it's been too long since I had a good worshipping... so to remind you all of your Queen in her absence... have this....

Pixie McWhinesalittleless out

ps... the K key on my laptop is sticking... little things they really do try our patience!!!!

Friday, 6 November 2009

She's got the Look

I have a job interview on Monday... woo!

As much fun as watching re-runs of Scrubs during the day has been, I really don't like being unemployed, and having to spend £5.40 to get to the dole office to sign on for 30 seconds so they can give me 4/5ths of fuck all twice a month is really not doing much for my burgeoning psychosis.

It's another boring admin job, which I really don't want - worse still it's in a solicitor's office, so I will have to dress appropriately - which is a problem. I have had to borrow clothes for the interview so finding something to wear every day may present a challenge...

That is of course assuming that they don't just take one look at me and dismiss me immediately as being 'trouble'... piercings and hair dyed a silly colour may be relatively normal in the Bath / Bristol area but in a teeny tiny seaside town in the arse end of nowhere, I look like a bit of a freak.

Now I could take out my piercings and pretend to be respectable - but I won't - partly because I know I can do this job standing on my head with one hand tied behind my back and the other wanking a small Russian midget playing the violin and still do their typing and client reception work better than any other slack jawed fuck tard they interview down here and still have time to re-design their website...also they should judge me based on my ability to do the job and not on the fact that I have extra holes in my face.... however there is also a small part of me that is very aware that I am probably trying to sabotage my chances... I will make an effort, I will dress smartly, I will wear a nose stud instead of a ring and I may even spend tomorrow searching for a smaller stud for my lip... but I won't be taking them out.. I could, I could even dye my hair back to its natural colour... but I don't want to...I refuse to lose even more of my identity than I have already by making the move that I have simply to fit in to the suffocating mold that is en vogue in the small minded, small town mentality that I am discovering in this place.

While the money it would generate would mean that I could pay off all my debts and even possibly save enough money for a fresh start, go back to school, go travelling... do something exciting and interesting...something I have been yearning to do for years but have not had the opportunity, I know that deep inside I am still holding out for something I really want... I have made such a huge life altering, heart wrenching, soul ripping decision to leave one life behind (even if only on a temporary basis) that settling for anything less than perfect seems oddly unfair...

I am really suffering for the decision I have made... I miss my life, I miss my friends desperately, I miss my home, I miss my possessions, I miss my safety and security, I miss familiarity... I miss my husband... I need something positive to come out of this hellish shit storm and I need to make that happen... I am just not sure how to do it... do I keep on the deferred gratification path of getting a boring job that I don't want and potentially enabling something positive to come out of it later while risking making myself more miserable than I am already, or do I hold out for something I really want and risk never finding it?

I do not care for limbo and I do not care for the sound of me whinging like a little bitch with a skinned knee and shit... again!

Sorry...have some pictures of nice things to make up for it... kittens for the girls, plymouth barracuda for the boys :)

Pixie McStillwhinesalot out